October 13 – 3:40 P.M.   There are times when life seems to be too much of a hassle and I just do not want it to continue.  I have been feeling that way this weekend.  However, just so there are no mistakes, that does not mean that I intend to try and kill myself.   I fully realize that death is a long-term solution for short-term problem.  Death is for eternity.  There is no way to realize a mistake has been made and to turn back to life.  If that were the case, death would be much more tempting.   All I have ever wanted in my life is to be healthy and happy.  Somewhere along the way (probably within the past year or so), I have managed to lose most of the happiness I have had.  I am not sure what happened to cause this.  My life has been too messy trying to deal with severe depression, anxiety, home health care agencies, sexual abuse, PTSD, and a host of other maladies.   I need to get some semblance of order back into my life.  That is my main goal at this time.  In the past, I have tried to prioritize things, but that has not worked.  It seems as though all of my problems have come crashing down around me at the same time.  When that happened, my life went to hell in a hurry.   The mental-health clinic I have been going to has been trying to help me for more than a year.  I have become very self-conscious about going there for what seems to be a long period.  I told my therapist I was considering quitting, but she said they wanted me to continue.  I cannot seem to figure out why they could possibly want to continue working with me.  The only thing they have told me is that the clinic is there to help people and they feel that they can still help me.  I am not sure that there is any way left for this to be done.   I think that I am, and always have been, a pessimist at heart.  If I expect nothing good to happen, and then it does, I am always pleasantly surprised.  My therapist does not think that is a good way to view things.  We all see things differently, and as long as this works for me what difference does it make?