I have been hiding from myself, and everyone I know for most of the week. I started doing this when I became sick with bronchitis. When I do not feel well, I usually try to steer clear of everyone. This time I did more than that. I let my craving for drugs overcome my knowledge that they would not cure anything. I turned to them after having stayed clean for nine months. Now that I am feeling better, and can understand what I have thrown away, and I am ashamed of myself and of the weakness inside me. 
Using illegal drugs does not cure anything. It made me feel better for a while, but when I came off the high, I was right back where I had begun. Nothing had changed -- all the problems I had before then were still there.
No one can possibly understand the amount of shame I am undergoing. I have given into weakness, and have turned into a coward once again. I have no excuses -- there is none. I am looking for a way to live with myself, but none comes to mind. I want to run away as far and as fast as I can, but the only place I know of to run is to my death. I know that killing myself would be wrong and I am struggling not to do that. I have been at this point before and have always managed to survive. I know longer know if this is worth the time and effort.
Motivational Quote:
“"We will either find a way or make one.” Hannibal
Replies
A bump on the road, Jim. A bump in the road. Still here for you. ktw
Hi Jim You are in my prayers Sometimes I feel that way too. Sometimes life is vwey harf and unfair, Everyone on this site is here for you remenber that hugs-Stephanie
Jim,
I know that you are a good person and that you need some help from all your friends to get through this problem with the drugs.Is there anyone that is close to you that can support you and maybe go with you to counseling or to an Alanon support group.If it get`s to bad we are all here for you just let us know that you are in trouble and we can talk with you and give you the support and encouragement that you need to fight this together.
Your friend,Monte
With the exception of my doctor, my therapist, my psychologist and those of my friends on DS, there is no one I can trust to discuss my problems. My family is there around the edges, but they have their own problems and usually do not have enough time to help me. They do not fully understand my problems and what I am going through. Sooner or later one or more of them wind up yelling at me, which does not help my situation at all.
Once a person has become addicted to drugs, that person is an addict for the rest of his life. It is a stigma that goes along with the illness. As with many illnesses there is no cure for this one.
The only way that I can see to bring this to a permanent end is for my death to occur. While I have the ability to bring this about, I am not sure that I have the guts necessary to do it.
I am seeing my therapist tomorrow afternoon, and I intend to discuss it with her. I do not see any viable options, but this may be due to my increased depression.
I will write more tomorrow night or Tuesday morning. Jim
Hey Jim, You are in my prayers, do not give up on yourself, you have a lot of friends here at DS, and-you also have touched so many lives -in good ways-more than you will ever truly realize-mine being just one of them. We all fall down, have our skeletons in closets-yet we are all here to support and encourage you. You are an important, caring and supportive member of our community. You are not a \"bad\" person. Just a person in pain-like each of us here at DS. We all can relate to each other and understand how each feels. We are here for you, to help you up- encourage you and help in any way we can. That\'s what friends do- true friends. As the world can easily contribute to anyone in this community not feeling important, needed, necessary-b/c of isolation and rudeness of others- we, you -I and others have truly been blessed. The creation and technology of computers-of the creation of this web site-Daily Strength-in the beginning, it was the \"thought\" that some one had. Now, it is a reality. It destroys the isolation we all have felt. It gives us healing where there has been pain. It gives us friendships- where there have been just voids-and empty darkness. We are given love as a gift to share with others. Just b/c we have never met-any of us, that does not affect how we feel for one another and the love, care and support we so freely give. You have been there and helped me up when i have stumbled and fallen down. Now i offer my hand of friendship and support to you Jim, b/c that\'s for friends-true friends do. They caring live each day-taking time to help those whom they meet along life\'s path. I am thankful for all the times you have helped, caused me laughter to help ease my pain and get through my day-and also for your wisdom and insight and encouragement. I treasure your friendship, and i know others do as well. Here\'s a great big heartfelt hug from me to you-distance does not matter, as it comes from my heart. Jim I am thankful that you are my friend. Take care, Huggs-Pat
You are in my prayers as well, Jim. You\'re going through a very difficult time right now. We all stumble. I sure have. All we can do is forgive ourselves and get back on track. All part of being human. I\'m here if you need me. Blessings, DD.