Morning  What have I done?   My decision to change home health care agencies has, quite literally, made me sick.  I feel bad and have been told that I look bad as well.  It feels like it is very hot in this apartment, but it is actually quite cool here.   I am going around as if I am in a fog.  There are times when I do not know where I am going or what I am going to do once I get there.  I have a lot of emotions running through my veins.  Although I usually keep these under tight control, they are running out of my grasp today.   Nothing I have done should really make me feel this way.  Deep in my heart, I truly know that I have not done anything wrong.  However, I feel as though I have turned my back on those who have been helping me in the last three years.  I fear that they will think I am ungrateful and worse.  This is tearing me apart both physically and mentally.   Last night I did something that complicated my life even more.  My current home health care nurse (who I am very fond of and will miss terribly) has been looking for a psychologist for me to see.  She found one, and last night I spoke with her on the phone.  She agreed to see me tomorrow afternoon.  After thinking about this throughout the night, I do not think that this is the right thing to do.  I have decided to cancel the appointment.  There are times when I go with my instincts, and this time they tell me she is the wrong choice.   Not only do I feel guilty about canceling the appointment and not seeing this doctor, but I also feel badly for all of the trouble and work that my nurse has gone through for me.  I am already afraid to tell her that I am changing agencies.  When I tell her that I am not even going to see this doctor, I do not know what she will think of me.   I am so upset that it is hard for me to think clearly.  My hands tremble as I try to put down my thoughts.  I should contact either my nurse or my therapist and talk about the way I am feeling.  I cannot do that because it is too hard for me to ask for help.  I feel that I have made a mess of my life and now I must sort it out alone.   A Daily Thought:   “"There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other.”  -- Douglas Everett, American Hockey Player