Circles and Ranting

Following my journal entry this morning, someone said she had the idea that I was rolling around in circles and ranting.  Well, the circle is broken and I am ranting!

I wrote to my brother (Lee) to try and set things straight between us.  That did not work.  He is everything I thought he was; nasty, mean, and cruel.  I could say more but I do not want to go into any censorship.  No matter what he says, it is clearly apparent to me that he hates me and has felt that way for a long time.  As much as I have longed for a brotherly relationship, it is obvious to me that I am just "spinning my wheels" here.  It is hard for me to admit, and accept, but there is no getting around it.  Moreover, for my own peace of mind it is probably best if I just gave him up as a lost cause. 

This may not seem to be the right thing to do, but this is my journal and I have a right to enter anything into it that I want.  Therefore, I am going to write the contents of my brother's e-mail to me.  In it, he named my sister (Alice), her daughter and my niece (Kathy), his son (Greg), and his wife (Barb).

The following is his e-mail to me:

“Dear Jim,

    I don't think our correspondence has been any less (certainly not any more) than usual after you missed our party.  I believe you about the problem with transport.  Did either Alice or Kathy tell you that they had suspected that you bailed out of one of their gatherings on the same grounds (and that they were afraid that those grounds might be bogus)?

    I don't care about your missed visit.  I do care about your drug use.  You may remember that I once said that if you continued to do drugs I would have nothing to do with you.  You continued to do them and to lie about your use, and I continued to have something to do with you even after I learned about your use.  Seven clean months is encouraging, though it means that you lied to me the last couple of times I was there.  I've learned to accept that, I think.  I actually can't do anything that I know of to help your recurrent addiction.  I am truly sorry to hear of your PAT, an affliction that I'have never known about, nor, apparently, had you. 

    I'm happy to have a brotherly relationship.  I had envisioned getting together for some park outings or movies this summer.  But now  I think that for the next few months we should be brotherly through email.  I assume that  you know that Barb has breast caner.  (You might have expressed your concern.)  And I know that you know that I have a nerve disease (should I send you a detailed list of problems to match yours?).  I also assume that you know that we are dealing with Greg and his family and the parenthood issue.  So, I assume that you understand that I have a lot on my hands, mind, emotions.  (Your missing our small family gathering is way down the list of things to worry about.)

    I have never rejected you as a brother, nor do I now, though I know that I haven't been the best of brothers.  Let's keep in touch by email until things here allow more personal contact. I hope you have a good summer.

Love, Lee”

About half an hour after I received this e-mail, he sent me another one saying that he had not noticed earlier that I had asked about how his wife was and that I hoped her condition would keep improving.

My feelings toward my brother are not very nice right now.  I think the best thing I can say about him is that he is a real prick!