Wednesday, May 16, 2007
7:15 A.M.
This morning I am extremely depressed.
This afternoon I am headed off to see my therapist. Her superiors are forcing her to quit working with me after a few more sessions. How can I talk to her about my feelings, thoughts, emotions, worries, etc. when I feel as if she is pushing me out the door? What am I to do with all the trust I had placed in her? Not only do I feel betrayed, but I feel as if I am dangling in the air without a net under me -- one small slip and I will be gone forever.
It may be that I will have to do without a therapist for an unknown length of time. That means I will go back to dealing with everything on my own, with nothing but my medications. I don't feel that I have enough inner strength and resolve to continue this struggle unassisted.
My frequent memories surrounding my sexual abuse are disturbing me more each day. I now have flashbacks which make it seem as if I am reliving all the events. There are some nights when I wake up screaming and in a sweat. This is a living nightmare.
There are those who say that I am a survivor. Who wants to be a survivor of perversions? Who wants to go on living with feelings of guilt and shame? Who wants this kind of a future? Not me.
Today I have one more dismal thought -- I no longer have the courage to end my own life.
A Daily Thought:
They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.
-Carl W. Buechner
7:15 A.M.
This morning I am extremely depressed.
This afternoon I am headed off to see my therapist. Her superiors are forcing her to quit working with me after a few more sessions. How can I talk to her about my feelings, thoughts, emotions, worries, etc. when I feel as if she is pushing me out the door? What am I to do with all the trust I had placed in her? Not only do I feel betrayed, but I feel as if I am dangling in the air without a net under me -- one small slip and I will be gone forever.
It may be that I will have to do without a therapist for an unknown length of time. That means I will go back to dealing with everything on my own, with nothing but my medications. I don't feel that I have enough inner strength and resolve to continue this struggle unassisted.
My frequent memories surrounding my sexual abuse are disturbing me more each day. I now have flashbacks which make it seem as if I am reliving all the events. There are some nights when I wake up screaming and in a sweat. This is a living nightmare.
There are those who say that I am a survivor. Who wants to be a survivor of perversions? Who wants to go on living with feelings of guilt and shame? Who wants this kind of a future? Not me.
Today I have one more dismal thought -- I no longer have the courage to end my own life.
A Daily Thought:
They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.
-Carl W. Buechner
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