Wednesday, May 2, 2007
9:30 AM
Today is therapy day and it means that my depression will worsen, although I don't know how much worse it can get without my dying. I keep thinking that death is the best solution. I've been close to killing myself before, but didn't have the nerve to go all the way. I feel as if I could do that today.
I would rather be eaten by a lion than to see my therapist today. We are going to continue talking about my least favorite subject -- my sexual abuse. I am having lots and lots of trouble dealing with this, and don't know how much longer I can continue. The thoughts and memories of the past are eating me up.
People keep telling me that it is not my fault. But I was told all those years ago that I was the guilty one. And while the abuse was occurring, I was warned not to tell anyone. So here I am, writing much of it down in my journal for everyone to see. I am hurt because I must have done something wrong to cause the abuse. Almost every day I go through periods where I am ashamed of myself. I hate being alive in a world where my behavior has caused so many problems.
There are many people on DS who have given me much support and tried to convince me that I did nothing wrong. You are kind people here and very forgiving. Yet, I do not deserve any forgiveness. Nothing will ever change my feelings on this. Guilt is guilt. I am ready to die and roast in the fires of Hell forever.
A Daily Thought:
Happiness should be found along the way but not at the end of the way.
9:30 AM
Today is therapy day and it means that my depression will worsen, although I don't know how much worse it can get without my dying. I keep thinking that death is the best solution. I've been close to killing myself before, but didn't have the nerve to go all the way. I feel as if I could do that today.
I would rather be eaten by a lion than to see my therapist today. We are going to continue talking about my least favorite subject -- my sexual abuse. I am having lots and lots of trouble dealing with this, and don't know how much longer I can continue. The thoughts and memories of the past are eating me up.
People keep telling me that it is not my fault. But I was told all those years ago that I was the guilty one. And while the abuse was occurring, I was warned not to tell anyone. So here I am, writing much of it down in my journal for everyone to see. I am hurt because I must have done something wrong to cause the abuse. Almost every day I go through periods where I am ashamed of myself. I hate being alive in a world where my behavior has caused so many problems.
There are many people on DS who have given me much support and tried to convince me that I did nothing wrong. You are kind people here and very forgiving. Yet, I do not deserve any forgiveness. Nothing will ever change my feelings on this. Guilt is guilt. I am ready to die and roast in the fires of Hell forever.
A Daily Thought:
Happiness should be found along the way but not at the end of the way.
Replies
Honey, i wa attacked when i was 14 and it knocked me for six. i always blamed mtself but u know something Jim....it wasn\'t my fault and there is nothing that that man could say to make me believe it was.
I dont believe that i\'m ugly, useless or a lowlife as he has made me believe infact, i\'ve been told i\'m quite attractive and i\'m sticking with that! lol
Everything in life that happens makes us strong. I\'m not saying they happen for a reason, as thats like me saying u have to have cancer to experience good health which is rubbish.
If u ever want to chat a little more, just drop me a line. x