Thursday, April 19, 2007.
10:25 AM.
Yesterday afternoon I went to see my therapist. Before going I thought it would be the same old routine session that I've had week and week again. Either for good or bad, it did not turn out that way.
A few weeks ago, one of my friends on DS, told me she thought that my therapist was taking it easy with me until she thought I could handle more difficult subjects. Well, yesterday the gloves came off, and I really got it. I have been dejected, depressed, sad, and even angry ever since then.
At first we started talking about the nightmares I've been having, as well as the amount of depression and anxiety that I have. The latter two seem to be getting worse. My therapist wants to find out what is causing this.
Our discussion focused on part of my life, which I had hoped to keep hidden forever. As a child I was sexually abused by a relative. This even occurred in my adult life. Because I was disabled, I could not run away from it on my own and I had no one else to help me.
First of all, it was hard for me to believe that I could be traumatized over something that happened 50 years ago or more. My therapist said that was not unusual, and it happened quite frequently to others. I was not aware of that.
Secondly, I could not understand how I could possibly be angry with and love somebody at the same time. This also happens I was told.
I am normally a strong person and can withstand almost anything, but I almost broke down during the discussion of my abuse. That alone, scared me more than anything else.
My hidden past has finally caught up with my open present. The past seems to be causing some of my current problems. And that, in turn, is having a strong negative affect on me.
I know that my therapist is trying to help me, but I'm not sure where we are going with all this. I am deeply troubled and bothered. There are times when I want to end my life, but I promised my therapist that before I tried doing anything like that, I would call someone for help. However, I said that I could not promise her that I would wait for the help to arrive. She wasn't quite happy with that, but I explained that I had never lied to her before, and I wasn't going to do that now.
This weekend is going to be a hard one to get through. But I am determined to do my best.
A Daily Thought:
Great people talk about ideas. Average people talk about things. Small people talk about other people. --Unknown
10:25 AM.
Yesterday afternoon I went to see my therapist. Before going I thought it would be the same old routine session that I've had week and week again. Either for good or bad, it did not turn out that way.
A few weeks ago, one of my friends on DS, told me she thought that my therapist was taking it easy with me until she thought I could handle more difficult subjects. Well, yesterday the gloves came off, and I really got it. I have been dejected, depressed, sad, and even angry ever since then.
At first we started talking about the nightmares I've been having, as well as the amount of depression and anxiety that I have. The latter two seem to be getting worse. My therapist wants to find out what is causing this.
Our discussion focused on part of my life, which I had hoped to keep hidden forever. As a child I was sexually abused by a relative. This even occurred in my adult life. Because I was disabled, I could not run away from it on my own and I had no one else to help me.
First of all, it was hard for me to believe that I could be traumatized over something that happened 50 years ago or more. My therapist said that was not unusual, and it happened quite frequently to others. I was not aware of that.
Secondly, I could not understand how I could possibly be angry with and love somebody at the same time. This also happens I was told.
I am normally a strong person and can withstand almost anything, but I almost broke down during the discussion of my abuse. That alone, scared me more than anything else.
My hidden past has finally caught up with my open present. The past seems to be causing some of my current problems. And that, in turn, is having a strong negative affect on me.
I know that my therapist is trying to help me, but I'm not sure where we are going with all this. I am deeply troubled and bothered. There are times when I want to end my life, but I promised my therapist that before I tried doing anything like that, I would call someone for help. However, I said that I could not promise her that I would wait for the help to arrive. She wasn't quite happy with that, but I explained that I had never lied to her before, and I wasn't going to do that now.
This weekend is going to be a hard one to get through. But I am determined to do my best.
A Daily Thought:
Great people talk about ideas. Average people talk about things. Small people talk about other people. --Unknown
Replies
I think you were experiencing the calm before the storm. In order to heal, you need to know what causes the pain. As horrible as it is, it must come out so you can be rid of it. My awakening came 30 years later and I had a terrible time dealing with it. Everyone heals differently and in their own time, but I do have faith in your strength. Do your best, as you said. Just know that I am in your cheering section.
Jana
I agree with Jana...I think you are an amazingly brave man for talking about it and I am sorry that happened to you. Let me know if I can help somehow...I wont bug you about it tho.
Loves
Thank you both for showing your concern. I don\'t think I\'ve gone through the worst of it yet. :( I just hope the boat doesn\'t capsize before I get there.
I understand about the loving and hating the abuser.... It really hurts when you have not thought about it and now the wound is open.... but really talking does help as hard as it is to....my heart is going out to you.... but healing does come....