This hasn't been the best weekend I've ever had - nor the worst. Up in the morning, down in the afternoon. Bradford, I think your roller-coaster is contagious and needs immunizing.

Since coming to DS, I've tried being as honest as possible. But, because of my childhood, it's hard for me to be very trustful of others I've just met. So, I've held back talking about a few things because of shame, embarrassment, feelings of guilt, etc. You get the picture I know.

I've had Cerebral Palsy all my life, which seems like an awfully long time. Living with this has been hard, but mainly because it made me feel ashamed of myself. Some people made fun of me, while others treated me as if I had leprosy. True friends were few and far between. I was filled with anger then, and there is still some left over.

Throughout my life I've been verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused by both men and women. I haven't been able to put this completely behind me. During the day, I often see the abuse in my mind, and at night I frequently have nightmares. I suspect this has caused many of my suicidal feelings.

I've tried hiding this from everyone, but it doesn't always work. About a week ago, when I was being examined by my nurse, she picked up on something I said about this. She's one of the few people I trust, and before I knew it, a lot of what I had gone through came gushing out of me. She tried telling me that none of it was my fault and that I shouldn't blame myself. She was sincere, but I'm still upset with myself for telling her anything.

As we talked, we both came to the realization that we belonged to the same religion. Her faith in God is strong, but I believed I would go to hell because of what happened to me.

She asked if I had a bible, and I said no. She asked if I would like to have one. I said yes. When I saw her Friday afternoon, she gave me a gift - the biggest bible I had ever seen. She also tried explaining parts of it to me, without trying to push any religion down my throat.

I've been somewhat shell-shocked ever since then. I'm not accustomed to having people treat me as a real human being. Nor am I in the habit of having them give me gifts out of the blue.

It seems as though I've been writing this forever, but it's something I had to get out in the open. If it helps me feel even the tiniest bit better, then it will have been well worth the effort.


A daily thought:

You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time. -- Charles F. Kettering