Yesterday I saw my therapist again. I'm not quite sure where I'm at today, or where my head is. I thought I had made my decision on changing home healthcare agencies, but now I'm having second thoughts due to feelings of guilt.
My therapist showed me how this is tied in with physical and emotional abuse I had as a child. Whenever I make decisions, I somehow see and hear my mother (although she's no longer living), and worry about doing whatever it takes to please her. So, I don't know whether or not I'll go ahead and change agencies, partially because I like some of the people helping me now, even though I don't always get very good care.
My assignment for this week is to try not to worry about any of this. Huh! Next week we'll be discussing "loyalty vs. good healthcare" and she said she's sure I'm going to have a big struggle dealing with it.
So, today I'm pretty much confused and depressed. I'm fed up with life again, and not sure how much I can tolerate without trying to harm myself. I don't have much energy, and seem to be going downhill a bit.
My therapist showed me how this is tied in with physical and emotional abuse I had as a child. Whenever I make decisions, I somehow see and hear my mother (although she's no longer living), and worry about doing whatever it takes to please her. So, I don't know whether or not I'll go ahead and change agencies, partially because I like some of the people helping me now, even though I don't always get very good care.
My assignment for this week is to try not to worry about any of this. Huh! Next week we'll be discussing "loyalty vs. good healthcare" and she said she's sure I'm going to have a big struggle dealing with it.
So, today I'm pretty much confused and depressed. I'm fed up with life again, and not sure how much I can tolerate without trying to harm myself. I don't have much energy, and seem to be going downhill a bit.
Replies
Jim,
you need to do what is best for you and your health. Who is to say that you wont meet and enjoy people at another health care agency? If you didnt like the new place can you go back to where you were before? Perhaps you could go for a trial basis to a new place, or under as a visitor (or as a second opinion) for a few sessions??? I dont know if that is possible, but it could be worth asking about.
I have live under the cloud of my fathers\' similar abuses too, and I know that he will haunt me after he is gone too. What works for me is thinking that I cannot change what happened...only to how I react to it. I am sure you have heard me say that before, but when I am feeling out of control by what is happening around me, then I think of that and take control back! (at times with much difficulty!!!)
I\'m Praying for you!
(((hugs)))
Thank you for your input. Logically, I know that I should do what is best for my health, even if that means going to another agency and feeling guilty about leaving my present one. I am in the process of getting a list of all such agencies in the Denver area. My sister has offered to help screen them. For me, it\'s easy to plan something like this, but extremely hard to carry through on it.
As for my mothers\' abuse, I\'ve been told to try not to think about it since I can\'t change anything that happened in the past. This has helped me a lot until now. But now I feel that I\'ve lost control over most of my present life, and that makes me angry to the point where my depression worsens.
Thanks for your prayers. I\'m know they are helpful.