Well...today is my birthday. I was texted by my ex. Wonder why when after all the years we spent together, after the first 2, he never acknowledged, I take that back, he acknowledged them and my anniversary by being mad at me for some UKNOWN reason or aother, not speaking to me, or being hateful. That was love though. I didn't get anything for my birthday or my anniversary or Christmas cuz I didn't deserve them. His words. I screwed around on him countless times and the bj's I gave freely to anyone and everyone with a swinging d*ck...wow..all the red flags were there. I didn't see them. There was noone around. No phone. No tv in most places we went. No vehichle. But I somehow managed to find d*ck of soe sort to f*ck or s*ck. Unbelievable. Part of me thinks he is such a freakin coward. The other part of me, very small, cuz GOD KNOWS I tried to prove to him I was not who he said I was and didn't do the things he accused me of doing, thinks he can still be healed from the abusive nature that is his. He loves the word and mind games. And he has a way of making me feel guilty about things I have no control over. I had nothing to do with 9/11/2001 but he could make me believe I had just committed the unthinkable, unimaginable yesterday. Even with the headlines screaming out 9/11/2001. It is 2008. Of course, all of this is my fault. And it happened after I lost my brother in 2002. Of course it is my fault. Everything always was. Everything still is. Why is it taking so long to get him out of my head. The part of him that I THOUGHT he was, died on 12/09/07 when he "blew" his brains out over the phone 10 hours away. I will always love and be in love with the illusion of who I thought he was. That illusion would have never NEVER done the things to me, said the things to me, accused me of the things I have been accused of. Today is a forget day. I hate my bdays so I try not to celebrate them. And things were going so well with that also. Until I got his text. He knows how to hurt me. Still. How do I stop it? Change my number? Doesn't work. He has a program on his computer that detective site, that will give him my new one. He won't stop until he kills me. And he almost did. The lawyers, Judge, victim's advocate all told me it would be over on the day we got divorced. 2 days from now it will have been 2 months. It isn't over for me. No paper work. No legal documents. No title to the car. And I still have him hurting me. What in the world did I do to anyone or anything to desrve what he did and is still doing to do to me? It was supposed to be over. I endured it for almost 20 yrs. And it is still going on. When I die, will it stop then or will he haunt me even in eternal sleep?