k..feeling guilty about now...havin a OH WOE IS ME day today. Log on here and find so many hugs...so much support....so many miracles...THANKS and GOD BLESSES to all of you!!! Now for the update...UGH...did I mention I quit my job due to the fact that I am either stupid or too defensive? Am wondering if I should just have stood on the sidelines and waited to see what was happening. I can tell you that it was costing me WAY more to go to work than not. Round trip is only 11.9 miles from my lil sister's house and the money I was making was going in the gas tank. I was promised rotating stations, more hours and no favoritism. WRONG.....was not delivered. Waited WEEKS for it to change. Cancelled family plans when they called to ask me to work. Went in sick. Cleaned behind everyone else. Worked my butt off to prove myself yet again. Tried proving myself for almost 20 yrs. Look where it got me. Have to go in to have blood work done tomorrow to see if I qualify for heart study. I can only test once more if I fail this time. Missed the study by 2 points on my bad cholesterol last time. Am having to wean myself off of my heart meds as it is because it is too expensive. Had an interview with an insurance company for medical coverage but had to cancel due to the fact that I haven't recieved all of the paperwork needed for the interview. Have this HUGE empty spot inside of me that I can't fill no matter how much I eat or run or scream. Can't cry out loud because I am afraid my family will hear me. Can't go for a drive and listen to loud loud music due to gas prices. Don't have any skills because I BELIEVED my ex. We traveled for his company so much that any job I got, if I wasn't fired due to him, I couldn't advance or pursue because we had to move again. Can't sign up for any classes because I have no job and jobs around here are scarce. So many people here have to have 2 and 3 jobs to live now because everything went overseas. I don't have the skills necessary to work in those places anyway but the people that do have experience can't afford to go where the jobs were sent. Anyway, how do I fill the empty I feel? Food? Doesn't work and it comes back up anyway....not by my own hand though. The Bible? Can't find anything on DOMESTIC VIOLENCE there. He has to be carrying me now because there is only one set of footprints. I have to believe in something. Counseling was cancelled this week. I can really tell a difference. Car still needs some repairs. Florida is an alternative for me because I have a big sis there but am so tired of depending on my family. I am so tired of depending on anyone. I am fully capable of taking care of myself...RIGHT. SELF-PITY is really taking its toll on me. I am so, is angry the right word?, he has the carrer making the great money. He has the house he can call his. He has the vehicle that still has a warrenty if anything happens to it. He has the medical insurance I need and he won't use. Bitterness, maybe another word?, I gave up so much of my life, my home, my belongings, my career that I could be retiring from with all the benifits I need for him...did he give me any credit? Any at all? Sorry but WHERE IS MINE? Okay, yes, I should be THANKFUL that I am still alive but is this really living? How do I fill this emptiness....what is it? I have so many questions I want, deserve answers to and know I will never have them ut just one answer will help me. What is this emptiness and why can I not fill it? When I was on the Cymbalta, did it leave me in such a fog I couldn't feel it? Yes, weaned myself off of that also. No choice there either. Found out I am homeless but not homeless. There is no sense to be found in this everyday life. Gotta look forward to tomorrow though, right? So tomorrow comes and the emptiness grows. Will it consume me totally? Will it ever end? Crap. Thanks for letting me vent and have my pity party. The facade I put on with the smiles, jokes and gestures are exhausting. Just couldn't put them on today...sorry. And another thing...how come there is only the red unhappy face there when there should be something else? Horrible is the worst you can feel? Then I tell you CRAP again. There has to be another emotion worse than that. I know cuz I am feeling it now. One set of footprints....has He left me also? CRAP CRAP CRAP