Well, 9 more days to go. Such a long time to wait but also such a short time to come. Every week in therapy we have to mention something positive we have done or learned. Because of Katy, I can go in tomorrow and have something positive. I do write on here my feelings but, as some of my friends that actually know me, I am somewhat holding back. I am GREAT at putting on facades. For months I have felt numb, lost, numb, terrified, numb, did I mention numb? towards him. For the passed couple of days, I have had this "cancer" eating at my insides. I have been able to hold it in, which isn't good so don't hold things in. GET THEM OUT. I didn't want to bring anyone down. Putting myself last again. Defensive always. The therapists and counselors and supporters, family and friends kept trying to tell me that I was just going thru one of many stages. Of course, being stubborn,after all I am free right?, I disagreed with them. Now I am drowning. I am so far under that I can't even see the bubbles forming from my breath. This is all consuming for me. I was so selfish...when he would throw me out, 1000 miles from friends or famioly, my family would rescue me. Then he would call and I would come running. I couldn't believe he could hurt me and call me names and accuse me of the things he was accusing me of if he loved me. Well, how hypocritical was I? Look what I put my family thru. And they are still here. I am so richly blessed. I am grieving now, not because of him but of who I believed he was. And he never was. Almost 20 yrs with him and I didn't know him. Nor do I want to. But the life I wasted...the life I was so used to...the transformation is almost too much. I lost my best friend, my son, okay, to some he might have only been a dog but for almost 20 yrs he was all I had. Except the time I was kicked out and went to take careof my dying brother...was given the ultimatum that he didn't get married to be alone. So after trying to tell him  my brother wasn't doing good and arguing, my brother, THANK GOD took a turn for so much the better. That was Oct. 2002. As I headed back to the SOB I was informed I had to leave my "'son" behind because he had moved to a location that didn';t allow pets. My lil sister kept him for me for almost two yrs. During one of my few "treats" i recieved from him, I was allowed to go get him. But night after night after having to leave him, for two yrs I had to listen to him call out for my :son" and laugh because he wasn't with me. I allowed this. I allowed the intimidation. The threats. The name calling. The accusations. But most of all, I allowed the punishments doled out to me wheter there was a crime or not. So why am I grieving a life that had so little satisfaction? Why the hurt? Why the anger at myself? Why did I allow him to degrade me not only to my family but to his bosses as well? With my first angina attack, he told them I was crazy because I thought it was my heart giving me troubles. Come to find out, it was my heart. He was so conserned about me that after my heart cath, I asked him to leave the hospital and go to work because that was all he talked about. The next day when he picked me up, all I wanted was something fast to eat a shower and to sleep. Instead, we went to his job, I sat in a hot car for over 45 minutes waiting on him. he finally came out, we got something to eat and he finally took me home. He was supposed to help me into the shower as I was still groggy and the main artery running up your leg was still a fresh wound. The doctors and nurses stressed this fact on him. As I got undressed and started to step into the shower, with his help, a knock came out the door. He could see it was his boss so he left me hanging, literally, half in the shower and half out, not bothering to shut the door informing me that they had seen naked women before. But would accuse me of sucking dick all the way from Florida to NY. ( If I missed one or two of you...sorry! ) I slept with any and everything that had something hanging between it's or his legs. again sorry if I missed ya...but they had seen naked women before.That was love. Help me make sense of some of this SHIT. So much to write and say. Just can't face it all at once. I was such a strong person before he came into my life. I look at myself now and I see a worn out old bruised battered beaten down trodden person. Other people say they see a light. I keep looking for it but I think I am going blind. I am just drowning. Nothing was ever good enough. What the hell is normal? How do I face what I have allowed myself to be put thru, not to mention my family because I lost track of all of the friends I used to have before him. Jesus, the things that this man said and did to me and to my family...some hasn't even begun to surface yet. This is going to kill me. But NOT until I have my daddy's name back. I WILL NOT die with his name. I have wanted to make people, expecially in authority, aware of the different types of abuse. Have consulted a very intelligent friend of mine. Picture a normal, young woman, scar free, no physical signs of abuse sitting in a bra and panties. Then show her looking at herself in the mirror. She sees the bruises, cuts, wounds scars, gunshots, knife marks and her heart tied up so tightly she can barely breathe. Show her looking at her face. She sees an old, worn out, beaten, sad sad person. How do you show someone your insides? How does a person face their insides? I am in so deep...I need air.