Today has been an "inside" of me today kinda day...even though my 10 yr old nephew had me watch Alvin and the Chipmunks about 325 times today!! I do know all the dialogue and songs by heart and am starting to sound like Simon!! LOL!! Had a hard time sleeping last night as my thoughts are keeping me awake. Mostly the PTSD kicking in. Hard to enjoy the things I used to enjoy now becuz of the noise. I used to love thunderstorms...now they just make me want to hide and cover my ears. Doors slamming, plates being placed on the table just a little too hard...the drums used to be my favorite instrument even though all I can do is bang, tryin to pun here, on them. I have so many questions that can never be answered becuz if a person doesn't realize they have a problem, how can they answer something they don't believe? Talk to my lil sister sometimes and though she doesn't act like it, I know she is tired of hearing and answering and trying to answer the same questions. I try to look at my questions like "Which came first, the chicken or the egg" type of thing. But it is beyond my comprehension how people can treat others the way they do and not be aware of it. They are aware of things done to them but take no responsibility in what they do. What will he do next? When will the fear go away? When will I feel as if I am not being watched 24/7. I know it is illigal for both him and me to talk but when I don't hear from him, ( as time goes by, I do find it easier NOT to hear from him ), I am afraid he is here. 10 hours away from him and no peace to be found. Have to face him, actually be in the same room with him on the 24th of this month. What do I do to show him I am terrified of him? How do I take control? Do I stare him down? Do I ignore him? Do I glance at him and roll my eyes disbelieving I could ever be suckered into being with him? How do I NOT show fear when that is all I have left for him? What will be his retaliation when the gavel hits the block and it is over? How will he retaliate towards me? He has already tried to cause my death...twice. I refuse to die with HIS name. HE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO EVEN COME CLOSE TO FILLING MY DAD"S SHOES. When will that huge gaping hurting hole in my middle insides finally fill in? How do I continue to be strong? Not only did he cause a battle between us, he caused a huge one inside of me. He still has some control and I hate it but have no idea how to get rid of it. Am going to therapy, both individual and group and I have DS. So far, I have felt the healing but when will or should I say will I ever be healed? Will I be able to trust again? I am so not ready for an outside relationship as I still have to find the relationship with myself. Most of me wants nothing to do with relationships but when I see my sisters and their husbands together, a small part of me wants that too. Does that sound selfish? I hope not. I wish for everyone to be happy. Even him. But he needs healing before that can happen. UGH!! So many thoughts....oh well...tomorrow is another day right?!! Am afraid to talk to my big sister about any of this because I have finally gotten her to realize I have to do this on my own. Besides, she is MOTHER HEN and very protective and she and I will end up in jail!! LOL!!! After this divorce thing is over, I will talk more personably with her. My few friends, I don't talk about this to them anymore. One friend is having a hard enough time coping with her estranged husband and she has 3 wonderful kids. She does ask me questions but I try to change the subject. I have another friend who can almost predict what he will do next but alas, I don't talk to him as much anymore either. Used to be when I couldn't sleep, I would call. I don't do that anymore. I try to write in my personal journal. It helps some but nowhere that I look are the answrs I feel I need. How can I help others with abuse when I can't even help myself? On the outside, I can put up a pretty good facade. Have had almost 20 yrs of practice. On the inside, sometimes it feels like it is killing me. I know I have made progress...slow but it has been made. And every day I feel stronger, except on days like these. Okay enough ramblin for now. Maybe, just maybe tomorrow....