Well, I am in this most wonderful town of Princeton, Indiana...NOT!!!! Court was cancelled for tomorrow due to my lawyer having emergency surgery. I hope he gets well soon and wish him the best. Am feeling guilty because I just knew something would happen to cancel court. Yesterday, I was allowed to get into the house to get the rest of my belongings. Of course alot of my stuff was missing, the most important being the box my brother's remains were in. I dfid fine until I had to walk into the garage. I saw, if only in my own mind, the blood and brain splatter all over the floor and walls. I know it was in my mind but it caught me so unexpectedly. I also found shell casings in the garage which scares me to death. He is not supposed to have a gun at all. I did grab them and put them in a baggie to take to court with me when it finally gets rescheduled. I am not looking forward to returning to Indiana for court when it finally gets rescheduled. Found drawings of what he is going to do to the house. But he can't afford to cobra me on his insurance. He has no idea the the doctor's medical records on me that are going to be shown in court stating that I was released from these cardiologists because my heart was stronger. He has no idea the records from my new cardilogists stating the condition of my heart and how his " suicide" affected my heart physically. I am so afraid being here. I have taken every precaution I can think of and then some, to avoid being in any type of contact with him. I don't want to come back here. At least the hard part, facing the garage is over. Now I am dealing with what a cruel evil person this man is. The box with my brother...can you believe this? God, pls give me strenght to deal with all of this. The roads are starting to clear some so I may leave earlier than tomorrow. I am not only scared here but am hating being here. I can't believe I have to come back here. Some of my support system here has fallen apart. I have only one family that is supportive enough to realize what I am facing. Not negating anything that goes on in anyone's lives but the main source, or what I thought was my main source put me thru nine yards of hell yesterday. Even went to the trouble to call my friend to let her know that he was having a bad day and I wouldn't answer my phone after I hung up on him for yelling at me. I always put others first but I wan unable to do so yesterday. I feel guilty about that but in the same emotion, I feel pissed off that I faced what I faced only to have me feel belittled by it.  She told him that his days of bad only happen when my days are filled with trouble. His day wouldn't have been so bad if first, he would leave the whiskey alone, he can't handle liquor. He changes from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde on it. He is a wonderful man but just can't do liquor AT ALL. I can't take on his dramas and mine also. Time and time again he has told me he was going to get out of the situation HE put himself into and doesn't. He is trying to help someone that is hooked on pills and has gotten herself involved with someone that shoots up. I have tried to tell him she is not going to get the help she needs untilo she is ready. And talking to her about this other guy that shoots up she makes excuses for. She won't realize it until she is ready. I can't help her. I have tried. Even pointed out the marks on his arms and stomach. There were excuses for them from her. MY male friend that called my other friend because I wouldn't take his calls, won't realize it either. I have way too much on me. If you want help, you will seek it. I did. And the people on here did. They want the help. They need the help. So was I wrong not to take his calls after he yelled at me yesterday? Was I wrong not to try to help him with his friend's problem AGAIN or AGAIN or AGAIN? God, how I have hated this trip. With the exception of seeing my best girlfriend and her family, it really hasn't been worth it on me mentally, physically or phycologically. Did I meantion the finacial part that I can't afford? Is there a feeling below horrible? Does this mean I am not a strong person? Am I being selfish? I can't handle all the emotions I feel. The meds aren't helping right now. The stress is just too great.