Hi, things aren't well here. And the thing is I really just feel like crawling in a hole.
I have even put off writing about this to you. I don't know if writing will even help, and I don't know how to help myself.
I know some of this is hormonal because well, I know it is. But I can't just reasonably deal with myself--I keep believing the exaggerated feelings when I'm "hormonal"--or who knows maybe that is just one lousy excuse I have.
There's several different issues. My last daughter just graduated from college yesterday. I am so proud of her and was looking forward to the day to celebrate it and also the fact that we have finally completed sending our three children to college(we aren't college-educated) I was sooooo ready to celebrate.
But all these emotions just hit me hard yesterday after the ceremony as we were driving home--she is my last child, motherhood is over.....see, this is why I didn't want to even write because I can't even describe the feelings. Also, I'm fully aware that I'm being selfish and focusing on MY issues.
Also, still having extended family issues My brother being a real problem-he's a brat and we have overlooked his behavior and my mother certainly has overlooked it. Anyway, my husband is starting to put his foot down about attending family events and he has never done this.
My daughter is going to North Carolina to work on a political campaign and I am very excited for her. But we are a close family and this is a new phase to deal with--long distances, career obligations. This is a new phase--a new start in my family's life and I just don't feel up for the change.
And with the extended family problems, I just feel like I am losing everything that's close to me. And at the same time I know I'm exaggerating everything and really am being a brat myself, but I can't snap myself out of it.
That's the way it is with the hormone issues--you know what's it's like-IT'S HELL. And I have lived like this since I started my periods.....I really don't have control over my life. I HATE IT!!!
I have even put off writing about this to you. I don't know if writing will even help, and I don't know how to help myself.
I know some of this is hormonal because well, I know it is. But I can't just reasonably deal with myself--I keep believing the exaggerated feelings when I'm "hormonal"--or who knows maybe that is just one lousy excuse I have.
There's several different issues. My last daughter just graduated from college yesterday. I am so proud of her and was looking forward to the day to celebrate it and also the fact that we have finally completed sending our three children to college(we aren't college-educated) I was sooooo ready to celebrate.
But all these emotions just hit me hard yesterday after the ceremony as we were driving home--she is my last child, motherhood is over.....see, this is why I didn't want to even write because I can't even describe the feelings. Also, I'm fully aware that I'm being selfish and focusing on MY issues.
Also, still having extended family issues My brother being a real problem-he's a brat and we have overlooked his behavior and my mother certainly has overlooked it. Anyway, my husband is starting to put his foot down about attending family events and he has never done this.
My daughter is going to North Carolina to work on a political campaign and I am very excited for her. But we are a close family and this is a new phase to deal with--long distances, career obligations. This is a new phase--a new start in my family's life and I just don't feel up for the change.
And with the extended family problems, I just feel like I am losing everything that's close to me. And at the same time I know I'm exaggerating everything and really am being a brat myself, but I can't snap myself out of it.
That's the way it is with the hormone issues--you know what's it's like-IT'S HELL. And I have lived like this since I started my periods.....I really don't have control over my life. I HATE IT!!!
Replies
I know exactly what you feel..it\'s called feeling abandoned...when you\'ve never abandoned any of your children, it\'s a feeling so hard to comprehend. Even though you might not want to admit it, deep down inside, it\'s what we all feel when someone leaves us.
When you talk about all the accomplishments your children have made, you can\'t be nothing more than proud of them. But it was you, as their strength, backbone and biggest fan, that they made it to where they are.
Your last child just graduated from college and you feel as though motherhood is over for you...but I will tell you, as a 37 year old, my mother never stopped being my mom...she still nags me...she still irritates me...and I will never stop appreciating the sacrafices she made. Just like you. We never stop being a mom. And I will never stop loving her.
And you know what? you are mourning this right now, because it is like a loss...just wait until they have children of their own! Then you can worry about MORE offsprings! :-) (trying to make you smile)
Vent, cry, kick something...talk about it here...I will listen. I will pray that God gives you the strength to feel confident that your children had the best guidance from you to succeed in this world.
Now..here\'s a thought...
What if you just came back from visiting her in a jail cell instead of watching her graduate from college? You go girl, you rock and you did a great job!~ I know the hormones can make menace on you....go have some chocolate!!!
Love and hugs!
Jenn
Count the blessings :0)
Ouch! I second Jenn\'s post. I can really identify with hormones making everything more extreme. My kid\'s only 12 and I am having anticipatory grief over the day he goes to college! I think there are so many transitions in motherhood that are occaisions for grief and we don\'t often talk about them. Perhaps we feel silly or maybe we don\'t really recognize that what we are feeling is grief. Or maybe I\'m the only one who sobbed when her kid went to school full time. For all mothers, but esp. those who are full time caretakers of their kids, motherhood becomes our main identity and when there is no one to take care of anymore well, what happens to our identity? Perhaps it might help to think about other times when things have changed as your kids became more independent and what you did then. I started volunteering at the library and a local helping ministry (and then I felt the call to seminary so I\'ve been going to school part time since then). I don\'t know that you will experience something as drastic as a call to ministry, but perhaps there is something that is calling to you. In my life right now, I am grieving the end of stay-at-home motherhood. In the fall I will start a residency that is full time and lasts for a year and after that I will be working (maybe part time, if I can swing it). All of my sadness and anxieties are set in high relief because of the hormonal fluctuations I\'m going through right now. Doing what you are doing -- talking to other people about it -- has been a big help. So keep talking about it and keep praying about it and know that you are never really \"not a mother.\" Even at 49 I miss my mom and wish she was still around to bounce things off of. The relationship changes for sure, but you\'ll always be a mother.
I have a long way to go before empty nest comes in, but I assure you that I WILL fall apart and I know its normal. I dont know what to say other than I am here I hope that helps.
Yikes, between your hormones and mine today, I think we see........ SQUIRREL-ZILLA!
A lot of big changes at the worst possible time, huh? Just try to go with the flow, if you can.
I so feel for you, and I understand, but down the road a piece you might find that having some time to yourself for things that you didn\'t have time for before may actually be nice. I too hater the hormonal thing and there really is no way around it except to know that is what it is and remind yourself that it will pass. How about a new hobby, or hairstyle or trying something just for you? When I get this way I cook, or bake something that takes a long time so as to take my mind away from my worries, please know that you ar not alone, all us women are with you.