This is really hard for me to write about. There was an incident with my extended family on Saturday and it made me truly realize how much stress affects my condition. This is my usual time to feel depressed (when I'm on my period). But I was pretty good before this incident and now I am really struggling. It is too involved to really go in depth about--but there is some dysfunctional behavior that has caused me hurt and I thought I was dealing with it, but I am having a such hard time.
My brother is going thru a divorce. I love him, but he's a controlling person and he treats my mother disrespectively. He also whines and pours his heart out to her and she's 80 and she just ends up too stressed out about his life. Anyway, my brother must be angry at me--not sure what for. I talked to him before Christmas about his inappropriate behavior over another matter, but I did it calmly and with respect. He didn't come on Christmas Eve as promised. So now when I make the invite for he and mom to come for Easter. First she says she's coming. He doesn't return my phone call and she says he's not coming. Then she calls back the next day to say she's not coming--that he and her had already made plans. I got off the phone without incident. Then later spoke with my 21 year old daughter about it. I decided to phone my mom just to express my feelings of hurt. And that's where so much hurt comes in. She just really was cold and distant to me. My daughter really just couldn't believe it. I know it's alittle late coming, but most of the time there have been problems when I try to express myself to her and it just brings back so much hurt from the past. I guess seeing it from my daughter's eyes just forced me to see the truth. I know there's different roles in dysfunctional families and I definitely am the scapegoat. Anyway, sorry for going on and on. My fear is that, well, this is my fear, that she will get lost in his issues and not really be there for me. Also, that he will be able to control her this much--that she would miss Easter with my family (her 3 grandchildren) and they would go spend Easter just the two of them alone. Thanks for listening.
My brother is going thru a divorce. I love him, but he's a controlling person and he treats my mother disrespectively. He also whines and pours his heart out to her and she's 80 and she just ends up too stressed out about his life. Anyway, my brother must be angry at me--not sure what for. I talked to him before Christmas about his inappropriate behavior over another matter, but I did it calmly and with respect. He didn't come on Christmas Eve as promised. So now when I make the invite for he and mom to come for Easter. First she says she's coming. He doesn't return my phone call and she says he's not coming. Then she calls back the next day to say she's not coming--that he and her had already made plans. I got off the phone without incident. Then later spoke with my 21 year old daughter about it. I decided to phone my mom just to express my feelings of hurt. And that's where so much hurt comes in. She just really was cold and distant to me. My daughter really just couldn't believe it. I know it's alittle late coming, but most of the time there have been problems when I try to express myself to her and it just brings back so much hurt from the past. I guess seeing it from my daughter's eyes just forced me to see the truth. I know there's different roles in dysfunctional families and I definitely am the scapegoat. Anyway, sorry for going on and on. My fear is that, well, this is my fear, that she will get lost in his issues and not really be there for me. Also, that he will be able to control her this much--that she would miss Easter with my family (her 3 grandchildren) and they would go spend Easter just the two of them alone. Thanks for listening.
Replies
i\'m sorry to hear about your easter and how your mom let you down..sometimes the ones we love the most hurts us the most. i just want you to know i\'m thinking about you and your in my prayers sweetie and i will say and extra pray tonight for your heart to heal...i\'m here for you sweetie....hugs and \"MUAHHHH\" love terri
First and foremost Maycin you must take care of yourself. Be good to yourself whenever you can. Work on your self respect. Be gentle.
Troubles come and go so be strong and courageous . . . as much as you can be.
Cindy
Ill say prayers for you! im so sorry for that its ben that sad for you!! It was really sad of that time for you!!! I wish and pray things get better for you and your mom and brother- stops being like that-- so sad about yer easter!!
Actually I just read your journal. My mind is scattered and I thought I had already read it. He has got to stop controlling her. I think she is just stuck in the middle and he uses her to get what he wants. You know he has always been that way--such a control freak. I think that is the characteristic of a person that cannot control their own life. Especially his own. I hope he is still going to a counselor. But without one of us their or a group session, I wonder how much help he is getting. Really we need to do that sometime when I can be there so we can discuss issues with Mom. At her age, things will only get worse. She is starting to forget things more and she could more and more start to favor him. Maybe its because he\'s the male figure in our family now. I think she is so tired and can\'t or won\'t stand up to him. I\'ll be praying for you. I wish I could come over there. Maybe this summer I could find a cheap airfare. Did I tell you we got on a program where my generic drugs at Wal-mart are very cheap now, like 4.00 to 8.00 a piece. That will really help us out. We were finally able to get the kids health insurance. I can\'t believe how long we have gone without it. Hopefully with the church helping us we can get ours soon. It is so late
but I have gotten used to staying up and get alot done sometimes at this time at night. I\'ve got to change my schedule though. Love you lots, Sis
Maycin, I am continually amazed that there are any \"functional\" families at all when I hear all the ways we have of being dysfunctional. You are absolutely right that such families often have rigidly assigned roles -- I know in my family of origin this was true and the only reason anything has changed is that my sister & I have broken our contact with our father and, as a result, lost contact with our brother as well. My mother died 12 years ago, so that pretty much completed the splintering. Although my sister & I are now friends, we still fall into the old roles sometimes and have to catch ourselves and stop it. It sounds like your mother was never really there for you and if that\'s the case, then you, like me, are still looking for a \"mother\". I was told by a therapist that we eventually learn to \"mother ourselves\" and that has been true to some extent, but it isn\'t always easy. One of the things I\'m working on now is learning how to build a nurturing network so that I can be supported regardless of what is going on in my family (whether my family of origin or my \"made\" family). I know when my mother was living, I had a network like that and it took a lot of pressure off of our relationship because I wasn\'t asking from her what she really just didn\'t have to give. I hope this helps and I hope you know that you are receiving good thoughts and deepest prayers to comfort you in your sorrow.
Cynthia
As impossible as this might sound, it sounds like it\'s time for you to back off completely ~ at least for now ~ & take better care of yourself. They apparently have issues THEY need to work out between them. By backing out & getting yourself together emotionally, you\'ll be able to get a clearer picture of what you can do & what you can\'t do. I highly suggest that you write a letter to each of them but don\'t send it. When I write letters, I make sure I don\'t send it until the next day. By then, I have a clearer picture & I see how pointless it would be. If needed, I write more letters narrowing down my feelings, waiting 24 hrs to send it. You\'ll see what I mean.
Writing about what bothers you gets it out of your head & onto paper so you won\'t have to keep it in mind. It\'s a very healthy tool.