day ten
got hit hard yesterday. i worked in the city with my dad - up at 5am, got into the office at 8:20 (stupid traffic), left a quarter after 2, home about 3:40. forgot to eat while i was there except for my granola bars. so i had a snack of pretzels and hummus when i got home. then i promptly fell asleep for over three hours. my husband came home, showered, turned on the tv, and also fell asleep for a bit. he said he felt a little off so i kept my distance - just in case. forced myself to have a protein shake because i wasn't hungry, then went to bed at 9:30 and slept through until 6am.
today i woke up, had my coffee and pills, a bowl of vanilla chex (my first time having them - i like them a lot!), took my pills. started working on statistics homework. had a granola cracker thing (it's like 3" square and flat with some chocolate on one side). finally took a shower and then realized at 2:40 that i hadn't eaten lunch or anything substantial since 7am. and i wasn't even hungry... so i made myself a veggie burger with cheese on a toasted english muffin with a handful of sweet potato tots. tasted good, but i didn't really WANT it.
apparently, mtx not only adds to my fatigue, it is somehow suppressing my appetite. i have NEVER needed to be reminded to eat before. i love food, i enjoy food. food and dining and cooking are social things for my husband and i. we like going out to eat by ourselves, but we enjoy sharing food with others even more. now my dilemma is making sure i eat enough. i do not like tracking apps because they focus on counting counting counting and it triggers my ocd tendencies. it's just not healthy for me. so i have to make sure i eat enough food, get enough calories, and intake enough protein to not, you know. die.
plus, if i don't give my body the nourishment it needs, i'll just get more sick and whatnot. stupid.
someone mentioned on one of the threads that some people seem to have lower pain but high fatigue, and she wondered if this is as good as it gets. someone else mentioned that we have to choose between QUALITY of life and QUANTITY of life. i don't like thinking about that. i don't like thinking that i'll have to sacrifice years of my life to enjoy what i have. i don't like thinking that i might be able to walk without too much pain, but i'll be too damn tired to do anything.
i know these are my choices and that there isn't anything i can do about it. what pisses me off about it is that it wasn't my choice. well, i guess it is - it's just shitty choices. take medication that makes your joints feel better and last longer, but has all these side effects that can be permanent and make you fatigued. OR don't take medication and be in a wheelchair in a decade. and then spend the rest of my life like that.
great. just great.
today i woke up, had my coffee and pills, a bowl of vanilla chex (my first time having them - i like them a lot!), took my pills. started working on statistics homework. had a granola cracker thing (it's like 3" square and flat with some chocolate on one side). finally took a shower and then realized at 2:40 that i hadn't eaten lunch or anything substantial since 7am. and i wasn't even hungry... so i made myself a veggie burger with cheese on a toasted english muffin with a handful of sweet potato tots. tasted good, but i didn't really WANT it.
apparently, mtx not only adds to my fatigue, it is somehow suppressing my appetite. i have NEVER needed to be reminded to eat before. i love food, i enjoy food. food and dining and cooking are social things for my husband and i. we like going out to eat by ourselves, but we enjoy sharing food with others even more. now my dilemma is making sure i eat enough. i do not like tracking apps because they focus on counting counting counting and it triggers my ocd tendencies. it's just not healthy for me. so i have to make sure i eat enough food, get enough calories, and intake enough protein to not, you know. die.
plus, if i don't give my body the nourishment it needs, i'll just get more sick and whatnot. stupid.
someone mentioned on one of the threads that some people seem to have lower pain but high fatigue, and she wondered if this is as good as it gets. someone else mentioned that we have to choose between QUALITY of life and QUANTITY of life. i don't like thinking about that. i don't like thinking that i'll have to sacrifice years of my life to enjoy what i have. i don't like thinking that i might be able to walk without too much pain, but i'll be too damn tired to do anything.
i know these are my choices and that there isn't anything i can do about it. what pisses me off about it is that it wasn't my choice. well, i guess it is - it's just shitty choices. take medication that makes your joints feel better and last longer, but has all these side effects that can be permanent and make you fatigued. OR don't take medication and be in a wheelchair in a decade. and then spend the rest of my life like that.
great. just great.
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