Alone
So since my mom passed, I feel the magic of Christmas slowly dying from what it once was. She knew how to take little money and make a lot from it. Especially around the holidays. Treats, cakes, pies, Christmas dinner and not to mention the presents she'd have ready on Christmas Day for everyone. Now that she's gone I see myself being happy from others being happy on the holidays. I feel alone this time of year. Sure I can call my dad, but he's a hypocritical cunt. I'd call other family members, but they can fuck right off as well. The only people I talk to are those I live with and those I have met since moving from Florida. I also have internet friends I converse with, but few of the people I talk to know the feeling of losing someone near and dear to your heart. I try and remain strong for those around me, but I can't help how I feel. I can't help that last night when I took out the trash from my bedroom and put it by the curb that I thought about jumping in front of a moving vehicle. Did I do it? No. Because I don't want those I care about to be hurt by my own stupidity and selfishness.
I don't have anyone special to spend the holidays with neither. The only real love I ever had broke it off with me after I went postop. So me being autistic I don't see anyone wanting to deal with that, and the fact I am postop, men would either 1, rather I have a penis, as they are TS chasers or 2, be with a genetic woman who can give them kids. So I don't see myself growing old with anyone based on this bit of bullshit. And I can't speak for women. Women who are into women would rather be with a genetic woman because to them I am a guy. Those who are into TS like men might only wanna be with a TS who still has a penis.
Whatever. I will be alone the rest of my life. I am okay with it. I really am. I just wish I could find someone my age to share my life with, to be myself with without judgment, who I can call my soulmate. However the one person I thought was my soulmate broke it off after I went post. I hold no resentment towards him anymore, but I do wish to find that sort of happiness again even though I have come to terms with being alone for the rest of my existence.
Maybe I will find someone, maybe I won't, either way it is what it is.
I don't have anyone special to spend the holidays with neither. The only real love I ever had broke it off with me after I went postop. So me being autistic I don't see anyone wanting to deal with that, and the fact I am postop, men would either 1, rather I have a penis, as they are TS chasers or 2, be with a genetic woman who can give them kids. So I don't see myself growing old with anyone based on this bit of bullshit. And I can't speak for women. Women who are into women would rather be with a genetic woman because to them I am a guy. Those who are into TS like men might only wanna be with a TS who still has a penis.
Whatever. I will be alone the rest of my life. I am okay with it. I really am. I just wish I could find someone my age to share my life with, to be myself with without judgment, who I can call my soulmate. However the one person I thought was my soulmate broke it off after I went post. I hold no resentment towards him anymore, but I do wish to find that sort of happiness again even though I have come to terms with being alone for the rest of my existence.
Maybe I will find someone, maybe I won't, either way it is what it is.
Replies
Relationships are overrated. There is always going to be something that screws it up. And when it comes to relationships, my life aint worth a dime, because I suck at it. The only person I can count on is myself, but in a relationship, one way or another I am going to screw it up, or the other person chooses somebody else over me.
For me, I am going to be single my entire life, and then I will die still being single. And thats because being single is all I am good at, for I am not good at anything else. Maybe the abuse I suffered as a child damaged me for life that I am uncapable of a relationship, or perhaps its my ADD that prevents me from being in a relationship.
Either way I am not worth the pot to piss in. So don\'t feel bad that you are single and haven\'t found a dude or a woman. Just love yourself, and if you have a penis, then you know how to use it. Thats all I have to say at this point of time, I am not really feeling at my best.
Ashley
Tis okay, Ashley, I hope you feel better soon.
I am sorry I came down so harsh, I was in a bad way, but I am doing much better now, as I have sorted some things out. As far as your specific situation, I don\'t have much for advice, as I am not a FTM post op, and I am not sure if we have any other\'s here. But, you should cut your hair sweety, make yourself look like a tough dude.
You know, the kind that when you look at a guy it says, you don\'t want to F***k with me, so step the F***k back before I pop your b***h ass. :P Your total gangsta dude, you know it, don\'t you deny it. hehe
Ashley
Huh? What? What does looking like a dude have to do with anything?