Well, here I am. . . empty again. I don't know how I get to this spot, but I always do. I feel like my life has been useless to everyone around me. I feel of no use to anyone I love. I have stepped away from any feelings or emotions. It seems my thoughts, opinions, heartaches and feelings are unimportant. So, I'm empty. . .I call this spiritual death. My solution? I hide. I hide my tears, I hide my anger. I hide my disappointment and my joy. I stuff it somewhere that's safe, so it won't be touched. I have stayed in bed for two days. . .sleeping, so I won't have to deal with my feelings. I talked to my mom yesterday. . .she is going to see a nuero. . .she is having symptoms of MS, she will be tested also. Why do I feel like this is my fault? When I told her about what I was going through, it devastated her, all she could see was me in a wheelchair. . .I comforted her. Now, here she is going through the same thing. . .and I comfort her. My mind is so scrambled right now. . .I can't think, I can't remember, I can't deal with anything! I think I have an ulcer. . .anytime I eat, my stomach burns all the way through to my back, it hurts so bad that I'm almost in tears. So I go to bed. When I know we're having company, I can't deal with them, I go to bed. This all seems like a bad dream, like it's not me that's writing this, like I'm writing for someone else. My husband has pulled away from me, he doesn't talk to me, spend time with me, and it seems like he doesn't even acknowledge me. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's the opposite. I am lost. . .more lost then I've ever been. I want to add something encouraging, but I just can't find it. Sorry.
Replies
Don\'t let the emptiness swallow you up! It will be like the neverending story, no hope, no dreams.....just nothing!! You are IMPORTANT to you\'re family, friends, US! I know the pain, & anguish over the uncertainty of the future is so hard right now, but you have to move on. Be happy for each day you have of being strong, & are able to do the things you love. Watching you\'re family grow, playing outside, feeling God\'s beauty all around you! Most of all His unfailing love for YOU each & everyday! And our love for YOU!!! We need YOU Sherie! May the light of God\'s love shine thru on you again, & His goodness & mercy be with you, & your mother always! Love You so much, Peg
Sunday is coming.. Maybe you will feel better then. I hope so!
Hi Sheri- I know you are depressed cause this is what it is like.. I am sorry to hear about your Mom. All you can do is take one day at a time.. Just try and live each day ... the worst thing is to stay in bed and withdrawn from your family... If you have too, make yourself get up...!!!!!!It doesn\'t matter what you do just get up and do something...buck up Sheri and remmember you have to fight! Be sure and ask God to give you strenght to do it...You are a woman of faith and this is your cross to bear.. You can do it...Just do it ... Sheri take care of yourself... please... hang in Sheri....some of us have to fight each and every day.....you can do it.....
Hi Sheri--depression hurts There were/are times when I don\'t want to get out of bed and face the day. But I do. And you need to also. Take the first step and get up, out of bed. It is beautiful outside!..Enjoy the moments and days as thet come.
Chrissy
Sheri, I have been in that place before. My family and I have been through so much and I have been in a deep depression. It is okay to grieve and mourn our losses and disappointments, but we need to allow ourselves to be comforted by the Lord and by others! No matter how low you feel, remember the truth that God has a plan and you have hope for your future. There was a lady in a nursing home who made a huge impact on me. I was working as an Occupational Therapist at the time. She had a severe stroke and couldn\'t speak well. One side of her body was useless. I went in to check her splint and she grabbed my shirt with her one hand that could move and hung on with all her might. She wouldn\'t let go until I understood what she was saying. It took about five times before I understood her. She said \"Do you know Jesus?\" I was so inspired because she was so debiliated, but was not going to let anyone leave her room without telling them about Jesus. Since then, I have always thought, she had a purpose! I am not in her position, however, with M.S. I have had my sufferings and I still have a purpose. As long as I am on this earth I am going to serve the Lord with whatever abilities I have. You are such a blessing to so many! My heart goes out to you in your suffering, but things will not always look to dark. I promise, but most importantly, God promises! Love in Christ, Ronnie
Sheri you have been of great help to me!!without you here I don\'t know what I would do!!don\'t feel useless because to me you are of great value!!!I value your friendship so very much!you have made a difference to me big time!!
yes i too know what your sayin, i am there with you, rmember tommorw is another day and you must keep going. always here for ya, Luv Ya, lorna
Sounds like the depression zombie has you in its grip.Like a cloak thrown over your head? The great thing is #1 you know it\'s there #2 You CAN THROW IT OFF!!! Here is a little bag of Hershey\'s Kisses.All different color foil wrappers.You may eat them all.Then you may go to the store and get a REALLY BIG Hershey bar & ...maybe share it?? God Bless You,we know what you\'re going thru & are praying hard for you.
Hi Sherie, I LOVE YOU SISTER! That\'s why we are all here for you. Just as you are here for us. God wanted us to meet each other. I always pray to be normal just for a few more months to accomplish things I did not do. Our meds do not take all the symptoms away sister but they will make you feel better than with nothing. I believe it is time you go to the ER and have them check you out. The waiting is too much for you. Once you know what is wrong you will be able to come up with a plan. I know you said the 22nd but I do not want you to be depressed. We all cry sometimes it cleanses our souls. But I want you to be strong sister for YOU. Your family loves you it is just hard for them too. They want to help us but don\'t know how to. You will have better days believe it.
I wish I could come give you a hug. Please keep writing. Tell me what is currently going on with your body. Tell us all maybe some of us have learned some tricks which will help you. May the angels be with you now pray for them to help you they will.
Sherie,
Your journal brought back memories of myself years ago before being diagnosed with chronic depression (way before the MS diagnosis). Like you, I felt worthless and devoid of feeling. I also detached myself from everything and everyone. I was in a deep, black pit and just wanted to sleep it all away. I was terrified that I was the only one in the entire world that felt this way and that no one would be able to help me. My husband didn\'t understand, but he tried to be supportive.
To make a long story short, there isn\'t a magical cure that will make you feel better. This is what I wanted! There is medication, however, that will make a huge difference. I also went through counseling for a couple of years as this is a way to learn how to cope with the depression. It\'s been many years since that horrible time in my life, but now I rarely feel depressed. I am on an antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication. I will be on these for life, likely, but that\'s okay since they help me so much! Depression is a horrible disease and is a symptom of MS. But you can learn to live with it, find the beauty and love in life once again, and go on to acomplish whatever you desire. What you need is hope--hard to come by when depressed. Pray. Give the depression to God. And make an appt. with a psychiatrist or your neurologist so that you can get started on medication. Be patient. Exercise if you can--especially walking and swimming--helps the endorphines go into action. Write down your feelings--this helped me too. When you feel overwhelmed, just try to do one little thing--you will feel then like you acomplished something and won\'t feel so hopeless.
I empathize with you and ache for you! Just know that you will and can get better--but you\'ll have to advocate for yourself. Be patient with meds.--depression medication takes awhile to do its job--and the first medication you try might not be the best one for you. It\'s a long road at times, but I am positive that you can stay on a steady course! use humor as much as you can--the zanier the better! My best to you! Keep us posted with what is happening. Just know that you are not ALONE!
Hey girlfriend, I truly sorry to hear about your mom! My mom sister and i all have ms and what we have done is find support in each other. We laugh at our syptoms alot, keeps us as sane as we possibly can be. I mean the 3 of us not sane at the best of times but we try! I do understand where you are! Try to remember you are not alone and that your loved! You can and will with gods and friends help pull yourself out of this dooms day shape. You have all my love and support.
Will be praying for your safe arrival back, the empty place is lonely come home.
Your friend Fiona
Try and I know this is hard to do but try to focus on the good things in your life. I know it may seem like they are few and far between right now but they are there. They are just covered up by all this uncertainty. I am sorry about your mom. It is hard for parents when you tell them you have MS. You are her child and a parent always likes to think that something like MS would happen to them before it would happen to their child. Worst case scenario your mom has it too and the two of you will be going through it together. But I am going to pray for you and your family. The husband thing is another thing all together. I am sure he is just frustrated. While it is happening physically to you it affects every member of your family and every one of your friends. Know why? Because they love you Sherie. They love you so much and they have no idea of what you are going through. They are scared, confused and have no idea really what to do or say. My husband hates to see me go through the side effects of the Beta injection he really wants me to come off it. He gets scared and frustrated and I am sure he just wants to see me like I was before the MS. But I have been told by the \" experts \" that I need to be on it for two months to tell if it is going to work or not. Don\'t succumb to the emptiness Sherie. There are some days when I feel so bad and I log on and read your message that it changes it my whole day and attitude. You are not alone. Now put your big girl panties on and get out of that valley and climb up that mountain. You are to precious of a person to give in and we need you!