I just had to put this back out here for my new friends to read. I know that sometimes I get down but I ALWAYS remember why I'm here and the message God wants to send through me. I know I am nothing to this world, but I am something wonderful to my Jesus. I hope this inspires you who read this. This is how I truly feel. And I know that through this trial in my life, God will be Glorified!


MY GOD ~ MY DECEMBER ~ MY SALVATION

I rededicated my life to God on February 20, 2002. That was the night my life changed forever. . . so I thought. That was when my husband was run over by a drunk driver, that was his Salvation. I thank God for that night everyday. Our lives have changed, our family has changed and I have learned to trust God like never before.

Our struggles have been great. I won't lie and say it's been easy. I have realized that being a Christian is like being a drug addict. . .you have to take "one day at a time." Sometimes I don't want to thank God. . .sometimes I don't want to pray. . sometimes I don't want to be nice to strangers.

But I have to tell you. . .my most heartfelt prayer is for people to see JESUS in me. I deeply desire to do God's work, to fulfill the Great Commission. To reach out and lead someone to Christ. My heart has ached for family and friends who don't know Him like I do. And I have prayed for God to use me as a vessel to bring people to know Him. I have prayed for His will to be done in my life.

I have seen sickness and disease all around me. I have prayed for brothers and sisters to be healed in the Name of Jesus. I have also realized that sometimes, that illness or disease is that persons Salvation. Without it, would they be saved? Without it, would their life really be a testimony? Without it, would others see the miracles of everyday? The miracle of God's Grace and Mercy? Maybe. . . and then again. . .maybe not.

This December, I have really been walking through a valley. It has been so hard for me to feel the Holy Spirit guiding me. I have been so lonely for His joy, His presence. I have felt that I am of no use to the Lord. I have felt that He had lifted His hand from me. So I pray.

I pray to be filled again to overflowing. I pray that He uses me to be a vessel, as an arm, as a messenger. I pray that my life will make a difference. I pray that I am a reflection of Him.

It's funny how our prayers are answered sometimes. We don't always get the answer we expect or want. However, soon we realize it's the best answer. Only God, in His infinite wisdom, knows what's best for us. Our problem is doubting His decisions. Our problem is not trusting Him enough to know what He is doing.

So, I've asked Him to use me. . .however He can. . .whatever it takes, to be that reflection, to bring people to know Him. I've asked Him to teach me to be faithful, trusting, understanding. I've asked Him to bless me with humility. To make evident His strength in my weaknesses.

I am in the process of testing to find out if I have Multiple Sclerosis. It's a disease that destroys the central nervous system. I may be diagnosed quickly, or it may take years. Never-the-less, the symptoms are there.

I have struggled this month with fear, loneliness, confusion and yes, even some relief. I have had some of these symptoms for years, and to find out their might be an answer is a great relief.

Now I ask Jesus, why? How can you use me if I'm like this? He tells me, "that you might be a reflection of Me. That when you are weak, I am strong. " How can I argue with Him? I did ask for His will to be done in my life. I did ask for Him to teach me humility.

If this is how I can be used by my Lord, then this is what I accept. After all, what did He go through for me? I don't think He's asking to much of me to experience this disease. If I can use my experience in any way to bring someone to know Him. . .to see Him in my eyes, to see through my life that He is a Faithful and loving God, then it's all worth it. Lord, Your will be done in my life, use me as a vessel.

So, I see this as a opportunity to renew my relationship with Jesus. I see this as my Salvation of my soul. It has drawn me closer to Him, to the Holy Spirit and my prayer life is back! I feel so at peace in my relationship with Him.

I believe this disease will teach me the true meaning of faithfulness, trust and understanding. I believe that this disease will teach me humility, and I know that I will definitely draw on His strength when I am weak.

Now, just remember, when you pray for me. . .don't pray for healing (not that I don't want it), but that you pray for God's will to be done in my life. Sometimes it takes an illness to reach true Salvation in Jesus Christ. If what I go through touches and brings just one person to Jesus. . .then it's all worth it.

When you look at me. . .don't see me. . .see Jesus.