i started getting very depressed again this week. i am not even 100% sure why. but i have a few ideas. i am in the process of filing for bankruptcy, i am selling off the last of my bussiness, whihc isnt worth very much, and my mom and counselor are encouraging me to look into legal options regarding my father abusing me. and my dogs arte geting older (almost 13) and showing their frailtys. they have struggles to hold their urine for the past 6 months i clean up urine in the house at least once every 3-5  days. it sucks. i bought an extra concert ticket but have no one to ask to go with me, cause i have no friends, excpet one that cant seem to be there for me emotionally.  i just feel so unmotivated. i dont want to do anything. i have the tile guy coming tomorrow and i have not cleaned out my laundry room yet. becuase of selling off my business, my house is a disaster again. i feel like i iwll never succeed. like i will never have this garbage celaned out, that i will always be miserable, and will never be happy. poeple hate me and i hate myself. my father hated me. he hated me for not listening to him, he hated me for being gay, and he hated me becuase he couldnt help himself with me. he had to keep me down. i just am so tired of trying to come back swinging.  i think he intentional kept me screwed up so that i wouldnt speak, so i wouldnt tell his secret. i feel so fucked up inside, i just am tired of fighting. i am 40, when wil the turmoil end? i want to be better, and do better, but something inside me holds me back. something inside of me... i wish i knew what it was. i hold myself back. somehow its my fault. i deserve to suffer, i hate myself, and i deserve to be punished and kept down. i am just as awful as others see me, and i see others. its so damaging. its so sad. how can you do that to a kid? he destroyed me. but if i give up then i let him win. in a way i want him to win. i want to be protected. maybe if i let him win, he will love me. but he doesnt. he never did, and never will. i was STARVED for love by my parents. my father only did what he did, becuase it was what society expected him to do, and he had to keep up appearances. my mother sacrrificed me becuase she was affraid she would lose her pretty things, her security.  How fucked up is that? So who cared about me? NOONE!!! My aunt did, but she frogot about me in her will. i would think of all people she would love me, but in the end she discarded metoo, just like everyone else.  And all this insight does what? does what for me? helps me to see? to see how depressed or pathetic i am? i guess the 1st thing i need to do is stop being so hard on me. that cute little boy that was never taught how to play in the sand box, with all his fears, insecurities, anxiety, depression, know wonder he couldnt pay attention in school, remember stuff, i was so guarded, so riddled with anxiety. i still struggle today. i still push people away, dont want to make friends dotn want to get close to anybody. i dont want to be hurt. if i clean out all my garbage, and put myself out there again, i will surely get hurt. they will not love me, and they will leave me. i am too damaged. i want to shrivel up and disappear. even my friend doesnt call back when i am hurting. i hate people and i hate myself. such a sad terrible way to be. how do i change that?i know one thing i dont want him to get away with it. noone should get away with it. they rob childrens souls, especially if its your own father. the one that is supposed to love and protect you. how awful it is to take advantage of that, to use them for your gratifcation sexually, to use them as a pucnhing bag for your anger, and to be riduled and put down so that i wont speak. i cant think of a more awful way to treat a child.  Cold and calous. my neck hurts everytime i think about it. so much to deal with. the emotions are not flowing, i feel like i am all cried out. part of me wants to get angry, but i am not sure i know how. i am confused.