BACK!!!

Back from my trip to visit Mom and family.  It was a really good time, although I got a speeding ticket on the way back to the airport.  ACK!!!!! The reunion with family was great, and I got to meet people I've heard about but never seen....:-) Back in my gambling days, I dreaded trips to see my Mom, because there were NO casinos where she lives!  I remember scheming how I could "sneak away" to drive to the next state to go to the closest Indian casino.....how sad sad sad......... While there, I used to count the days until my return....and when bf would pick me up at the airport, we ALWAYS went immediately to...you guessed it....a casino.  My bags would be in the car....we might get fast food for on the way......but yes.....had to hit a casino immediately on my return. How are things different?   Gambling crossed my mind maybe twice in the week I was gone....and that was really just in remembering how it USED to be.  Trying to think of how I could sneak off to gamble never crossed my mind.  Thinking about gambling when I got back never crossed my mind. For all those struggling......YES EVERYTHING CAN CHANGE AND YOU CAN BE FREE!!!! Instead of being broke and worrying about how I would pay my bills when I got back after taking a week off work....I had the money to do things for my Mom.  I made a bunch of trips to the grocery and built Mom a tower of cases of water bottles, her favorite drinks, gigantonormous packages of toilet paper, paper towels...stocked her freezer and fridge, bought her enough detergents, etc. to last her for months!!!!!  I felt so GREAT being able to do this!!!!!  Now she won't have to go to the grocery and lug anything heavy home hopefully until I get back there.....YAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!! I want to help her keep her independence in the home she loves as long as possible!   The trouble is, when I was gambling, I had no money.  I couldn't afford to take care of myself, much less do anything for anyone else. Instead of getting financial bailouts from others (Mom loaned me the money for the last car I bought!!!)....and feeling like crap about it.....I can start to repay  the people I love.  I can make a positive difference for them, instead of being a drain. This feels GOOD I am so thankful for all my friends who have inspired and encouraged me....and continue to make this happen....because you know what?  All that has to happen is that I start to feel like I'm CURED.....and I could go back out there.....and all the good I've seen in my life could be devastated.  I could be worse than before.....so I'm not going to get to that place....and Just for today, I will not gamble.

Replies

SheliaMac
SheliaMac

What a wonderful and inspiring story.... I know you are feeling so good about the things you got to do for and with your Mom. Congratulations and welcome back!~!
mrsfroggie
mrsfroggie

Welcome home! I\"m so glad you were able to do these things for your mom. It is a great feeling to be gamble free and helping those that help you. I\'m so proud of you! Peace and Love. Patty
deleted_user
deleted_user

Welcome home, Dianne xxxooo

I\'m so glad we don\'t gamble anymore. I\'m like you, sometimes I think about gambling, but it\'s not an urge to gamble, it\'s memories of how it use to be when I was gambling. I was just talking to my brother about that very thing. How it was then (crazy) and how it is now, life during gambling, and life after gambling. I refuse to let myself start to believe I could do it again, that it was only horrible because I was out of control. It was horrible because I am addicted to gambling, once an addict, always an addict. I get what that saying means now, I can\'t gamble because I will go overboard. Because there isn\'t a cure, but there is a better way of living for me, if I stay away from what I\'m addicted to. I don\'t have to gamble, if I don\'t want to, and I don\'t want to. I feel like you\'ve heard all of this from me before, you know, like I\'m repeating myself, and I probably am, but it\'s for a good reason, it helps me. When you were writing about all the goods you bought your mom, it reminded me of when I gambled like a fool, and then tried to make up for it by buying a few things for my mom, as if Mark would think that\'s what I was up to. Sorry, Mom. But that was then, and before my mom passed away she knew I was in recovery, she knew I was happier, despite the fact she was dying. I can\'t go back and do it all over again, serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change what I can. I\'m still happier, Mom. Sometimes I do that, talk to my Mom, in my head and even sometimes out loud. I miss her. So I guess you know what your time with your Mom means to me, good job, my friend, that\'s RECOVERY! I\'m so glad your in recovery with me, we\'re not alone. Now that you\'re home, don\'t work yourself silly, silly! Love you, Robin
deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m happy to hear that you had such a good time and that you are able to help! That\'s what Gamble Free does for thee! I have had such strong urges - but not to gamble as much as just to go to the bar - but I know that I can\'t just \'go to the bar\' cuz once there, I am bound to lose all sanity and control. Sigh. But I\'m still here and Gamble Free - you continue to be my inspiration...
Hugs,
Lavender
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh my Dianne, I bet your mom is so proud... when my son does things for me I am so proud of him, I am so grateful for him... I was not always a good mom to him... but he, as my son, thinks I was pretty good to him. It sounds like it was an exciting time. So glad. debs
DianneE
DianneE

Last Christmas, when I visited Mom...she looked up from her birthday cake and presents and told me that Dad would be proud of me...because I was good to her. She seemed so sincere when she said it....Tears come to my eyes as I remember her saying this. It means so much for her to think I\'m good to her. I spent years being little good to anybody, especially myself. It is such a healing thing to have her say that. It helps me forgive myself and lift my head up just a little higher after feeling so bad about how I was running my life for a long time.
deleted_user
deleted_user

You have been and continue to be a source of true inspiration to so many. I am sure your mother (like the rest of us) is very, very proud of you. Life without the monster is a happy life indeed. Sorry about the speeding ticket, but it is wonderful to see that your trip went well.