Thursday....another day of recovery....but Thursday used to be a real trigger day for me, as it was the day I thought the slots were loosest at a nearby casino....All day long, I used to eagerly anticipate heading to the casino right after work and staying until....oh......4 or 5 am or so......and then getting maybe 4 hrs. sleep before having to drag into work again....I thought Fridays the slots were tight, so I would usually refrain from gambling until Saturday after work, and then it was Saturday all night, often again on Sunday, maybe Monday, possibly Tuesday, definitely Thursday.....and on and on......of course, if I won a lot, it would be every night until it was gone and I couldn't drain the bank anymore. I am paying the price for all this insanity now....I can't ever go back there. Financial devastation. .. Physical exhaustion....Big emotional fallout....But.....I have come a long way in 51 days GF!!!!! I may be working too hard and still need more rest than I'm getting, but at least this is for something positive....rebuilding my life! OK, I'm getting back to healthy eating again (good-bye sugar!) and still on plan toward my goals! My Mom doesn't know about my gambling, (she lives a long way away), but she knows I have been working a lot and has figured out I might be low on cash- she knows I went through a divorce last year that was also a big financial strain, and has offered to loan me a little money (she lives on a fixed income and doesn't have that much!) I hate taking anything from her, as I got myself into this mess, and if I can, I will get myself out. I don't want anybody else to have to pay for what I did to myself. I know this is pride, and I might be forced to ask for help, but I will do everything I can to do this on my own first. The offer of help from those who care about me at this time has really touched me....tears come to my eyes as I think about the love and support others have shown me. Thank you so much to everyone who has been here and helped me along this path. I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way!!! xoxoxo to Everyone
Replies
Dianne, I always love what eastwester says. His commentary is always filled with such words of wisdom. You can know that I am here as a safety nest in case things get very tight in crunch time but I can\'t disagree with what Eastwester is saying about gaining self esteem. I liked this journal entry you wrote particularly because I sense that you are starting to balance out , gain optimism & relax a little. I don\'t mean relaxing from work...just from the pressure you have been feeling...That is a really good sign. Anyhow, I am here for you! I am glad we are friends! 51 days is absolutely amazing...You are doing so well! : ) Ian
Congrats on day 51. I agree doing it on your own feels better. Just knowing that your are loved so dearly by your mother should make You feel great. She makes You feel like Your life is worth something.. something more than a couple thousand dollars lost gambling. It gives Oneself strength to overcome the biggest hurdles in Ones path.
Hi Dianne,
It makes me so happy to have you as a friend. I\'m so grateful I didn\'t end up in a huge financial mess, so very grateful. When I realize how many recovering, compulsive gamblers will be paying debts for years to come I feel like a chicken shit gambler! The last time I was out there gambling was over a period of approx. 6 months, I lost 2-3 thousand, it was money my boyfriend (he\'s like my husband) worked very hard for, money he thought we were saving. I tell myself over and over again \"It\'s not about the money\", but I don\'t know if I could tell myself that if Mark, my guy, had decided to kick me out as a result of my lies. He was so angry and hurt when I told him I was gambling again. We went through this approx. 4 yrs ago. I quit gambling for approx. 3 yrs...ya\' know what? I can\'t even remember when, where, or why I started gambling again. This disease is very cunning. I had abstinence, I didn\'t have recovery. I\'m so grateful I have recovery today. Yes, it\'s not just about the money anymore, it\'s about recovery! Thank you for being my friend :) I love the fact you\'re from CA, my neighbor... I live in NV...Las Vegas. I\'m from CA, I grew up in So Cal...well, actually, I\'m still growing up! lol 51 days! You\'re doing a great job! Take care, Love, Robin