I've been eating sugar for the past two days...a LOT of sugar. Valentine's Day candy is my EXCUSE. I'm having to really think about what is behind my willingness to eat lots and lots of sugar; me, a diabetic who has gotten herself off of all meds by diet and exercise. I physically feel sick because of eating all this sugar, and I don't even want to face the glucose meter. Why am I willing to SELF-DESTRUCT right now????? Is it because I haven't gambled? IS it about self-destruction, some dark urge to punish myself coming from some depth within myself I don't understand??? Is it a sense of ENTITLEMENT....well, I'm not gambling, I SHOULD be able to have some indulgence..??? I really don't think it is just about liking sugar....Do I need more DRAMA in my life? Do I need to have something to beat myself up over???? It definitely feels like REBELLION.............................maybe it feels a little like ANGER as well....I haven't been eating or exercising the way I was before going on my all-out financial survival program (made necessary by my GAMBLING.) I have been working 7 days a week, and have cut out all expenses that are not absolutely necessary ...and I will do this until my crisis has passed. That means I cut out my twice weekly small group session with a trainer, which I found very, very motivating. It also means I have been eating whatever I already had in the cupboard (cheap, starchy food like popcorn and top ramen) instead of the good stuff I ate before....Starch is cheap! I have spent less than $15 on food in the last 6 weeks ....I am proud of myself for being willing to go all out to save myself financially, but it is taking a toll on my health. I have definitely cut back on my workouts, because I am working extended hours. I work through lunch, and stay over an extra hour at the end of the day. 10 hour work days with no break leave me too tired to do the 2 hr. per day workouts I used to do. It is harder and harder to drag myself to the gym at all, and I'm frustrated that I don't have the energy and stamina that I had before. I have another 5 or 6 weeks to do this, and it is really draining me. I really need some time off, but that will have to come after I take care of the crisis....I need a week away from everything.... Funny, before I started eating the sugar 2 days ago, I felt so much more optimistic. I'm mad and sad at myself right now. I need to figure out why I'm doing this, forgive myself for this lapse, and get back on track. In all seriousness, my life is at stake. On a good note, at least I'M NOT GAMBLING....
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I admire your desire and drive to get through the financial crisis. The sugar thing I must admit made me laugh a little, Valentines day and all the sweets seem to be everywhere. I have gained at least 10 lbs sine going GF. I am re-starting the workouts, running everyday if I get the time. I think you may be feeling the OCD that we gamblers have. Some call it addictive disorders or some other pyscho-jargon. When I find something I like I stick with it and over indulge in it. Chocalate, food, blackjack at the $100.00 tables with a fine 10yr glass of Chardoney or a fine cognac. Ahhhh... Those days are over. Back to reality. Indulge yourself you deserve it just don\'t go overboard. Oh and about the ex contacting you stay away from him. Some advice from a guy.. His contacting you was just an attempt to get close to you again since he was alone or with some not as good as you.
I had to kind of laugh while I was reading your journal because I know what you mean about starch being cheap... Why is that? Why is it so much more expensive to eat things that are good for you?? We could have lots of money if we could survive on Oodles of Noodles and Easy Mac!! Maybe things will be better now that all the sugar is gone from your house?? ha ha.. How about working out at home??? I know I have tons of tapes I have bought over the years laying around collecting dust - but it is a cheaper solution to going to the gym. Good for you on working on your financial problems - sounds like your head is on straight.. Keep it up Dianne.. Hugs, Crissy
Mmmm, as much as I think value money, I still think health is the most important factor of all. I too am saving some money by going on a bread diet, but I still eat meat like at least once every two days. By the way I personally found that exercising while watching \"Biggest Loser\" is much easier. Give it a try, just do some boxing or sit ups.
I have been on those sugar diet, they are awful. We eat and eat them but we know it\'s not good, them we hate ourselves for doing so. I think you are finding some endulgence in the sugar rush. All that is going on with your addiction, your scare of illness, your ex- husband wow you have got your hands full. Take a breather and think about what it is that you can do to get back on track. Everytime you think about the sugar drink a glass of water, it takes the hunger or urges away, and just try to walk 20 minutes a day if you can. I have started walking and I find it so relaxing. Hope everything works out and please!!! be careful Diabetes is very serious. Love ya xoxoxxo
Flush all the junk out of your body and your brain. Breathe and -- excerise even if you do not fell like it. Blessings