I've been eating sugar for the past two days...a LOT of sugar.  Valentine's Day candy is my EXCUSE.  I'm having to really think about what is behind my willingness to eat lots and lots of sugar; me, a diabetic who has gotten herself off of all meds by diet and exercise.  I physically feel sick because of eating all this sugar, and I don't even want to face the glucose meter.  Why am I willing to SELF-DESTRUCT right now?????  Is it because I haven't gambled?  IS it about self-destruction, some dark urge to punish myself coming from some depth within myself I don't understand???  Is it a sense of ENTITLEMENT....well, I'm not gambling, I SHOULD be able to have some indulgence..???  I really don't think it is just about liking sugar....Do I need more DRAMA in my life?   Do I need to have something to beat myself up over????  It definitely feels like REBELLION.............................maybe it feels a little like ANGER as well....I haven't been eating or exercising the way I was before going on my all-out financial survival program (made necessary by my GAMBLING.)   I have been working 7 days a week, and have cut out all expenses that are not absolutely necessary ...and I will do this until my crisis has passed.  That means I cut out my twice weekly small group session with a trainer, which I found very, very motivating.  It also means I have been eating whatever I already had in the cupboard (cheap, starchy food like  popcorn and top ramen)  instead of the good stuff I ate before....Starch is cheap! I have spent less than $15 on food in the last 6 weeks ....I am proud of myself for being willing to go all out to save myself financially, but it is taking a toll on my health.  I have definitely cut back on my workouts, because I am working extended hours.  I work through lunch, and stay over an extra hour at the end of the day.  10 hour work days with no break leave me too tired to do the 2 hr. per day workouts I used to do.  It is harder and harder to drag myself to the gym at all, and I'm frustrated that I don't have the energy and stamina that I had before.  I have another 5 or 6 weeks to do this, and it is really draining me.  I really need some time off, but that will have to come after I take care of the crisis....I need a week away from everything.... Funny, before I started eating the sugar 2 days ago, I felt so much more optimistic.   I'm mad and sad at myself right now.  I need to figure out why I'm doing this, forgive myself for this lapse, and get back on track.  In all seriousness, my life is at stake. On a good note,  at least I'M NOT GAMBLING....