Tuesday afternoon, working on my normal day off....the price I'm paying to stave off financial ruin!  I should be thankful I have the opportunity to even be able to work to TRY to make some extra money  instead of feeling sorry for myself for being here.  Today I started feeling the urge to gamble, which is habit because I always gambled on Tuesdays.   I used the things I experienced on my non-gambling trip to the Casino Saturday night to do a reality check.  I replayed seeing the people miserably pouring more and more into the machines, desperately trying to win....the thing with me was that I got so that I didn't even get that much pleasure out of winning.   One night I won about $4500 on a bonus round and just sat there annoyed because the casino staff were taking so long to pay me out so I could keep gambling.  I heard one woman screaming her head off for 15 straight minutes and I ran over to her thinking she must have won a million on a progressive, and it turned out to be about $200....I guess the thrill was truly gone for me in gambling!!!!  Whenever I want to gamble, I'm going to remember how weak and shortlived the thrills were, and how interminable the depression, self-hatred, and consequences have become....IT'S NOT WORTH IT.  NOT EVER.  I have to remember this everyday.