Well, well. I went out to eat with my boyfriend last night...guess where....AT THE CASINO. I had a book in my purse and I sat and read it after he disappeared into the casino "for a little while". He gave me money in case I wanted to gamble. I ended up being there five hours before I could get him to leave. I DIDN'T GAMBLE. I had fleeting bouts of slight temptation, but I was so freaked out by being there I just turned it off. I even walked around and watched people pounding on the machines in anger and desperation. I watched people feeding streams of hundred dollar bills into machines as the machines sucked them dry. I watched people win a little, and then put it all back in and more. I remembered the desperation, sadness, and self-hatred I felt when I was doing that. I observed the pain and silent despair of other people....One woman couldn't tear herself from the machine until she was an hour late picking her daughter up from a dance...I thought of her daughter, alone, at 1:30 in the morning in the cold and dark waiting for her mother to pick her up on a city street somewhere... I'm not fooling myself. I really don't think I'm immune, and this was a dangerous dangerous place for me to be...funny, it wasn't nearly as hard to resist as I feared it would be. I was even bored after a time. Just being around the extreme negativity of the people losing, trying so hard to win, then losing again just made me feel sick. I guess I never fully noticed how unhappy the majority of people at the slots seem. Next time...I might not be in the same state of mind.....don't think I should risk it. I feel like I escaped from the lion's den. I'm telling the boyfriend I'm not going back out there "even just to eat dinner" any time in the foreseeable future. It's 5:45 AM,I haven't been to bed yet, and I have to be at work at 12:15PM. I don't know how to make things work with him. He isn't ready to quit gambling, and he's not happy unless I'm there with him. In a way, I feel (rather stupidly) pleased with myself, but really, I think I was a complete fool to allow myself to be taken anywhere near the place.
Replies
Going to any lengths to insure our recovery, sometimes means changing the people in our lives, the places we go.....changing our playmates and our playpens. You can\'t put your recovery at risk just to satisfy some one elses wants. You were in a very, very dangerous place, and but for the push of a button, you were one step away from disasterous results...that would scare the hell out of me! Keep standing your ground, and keep yourself as far away from danger zones as you possibly can...remember how you felt on the last trip home before you made it into recovery...I keep that memory readily accessible, to take out, look at, remember, and put it back in a safe place, just in case I need the reminder. I too have had to put myself in a dangerous place, having had to meet one of my customers at one of his customer\'s locations, which just happend to be the casino.....I went there, met him, and saw the faces and the pain on my way thru to the exec offices, and then again on the way out I had a little more time to look around at the people, and I gotta tell you, I saw myself in each one of them, and it was heartbreaking....there was a few that were just there having plain old fashioned, not addicted fun, but there were those that you could tell, were angry, desperate, putting in their very last dollar...the body language, the facial expressions, it just broke my heart, and I couldn\'t get out of their fast enough, out to my car, and lock the doors to speed out of the parking lot. What a change for me from the past....I used to speed INTO the parking lot, shove the car in park and jump out while the car was still rocking, but that time, I couldn\'t get out of their fast enough, back to the safety and security of my own little world, and my own recovery......Slippery slopes, and dangerous places for me today, NO thank you, its too expensive, financially, mentally and emotionally, but recovery......PRICELESS! You may have more inner strength, and fortitude, than I do, but I can\'t see any one of us allowing ourselves to be put in the situation that you described.
Thanks for sharing that, it just brings back the memories that I keep close to the forefront so that I can remember what got me here in the first place, and thats a good memory for me to hang on to....it keeps me honest and in recovery.
hugs and love
Danya
Wow - I cannot imagine being in a casino environment with money in my pocket. It was a VERY dangerous place to be - but you were strong and you survived. But maybe not next time. This is a sickness with demons who will rear their ugly heads when we least expect them. It seems that you have a strong mind and soul - just realize your triggers and know how to keep them in check!! Keep up the great work.
You \'go girl\'....I am SOOOO proud of you. I can\'t imagine spending 5 minutes let alone 5 hours in a casino and not gamble. Maybe some day, but not today. Didn\'t you feel so proud of yourself!! You are an inspiration. Have a wonderful Tuesday :)
Rhonda
You did a very crazzzzzy thing girl. I would not even want to risk that. But, you did and you managed to get through all right. You may not be so lucky the next time, but I hope so. Maybe you should tell you man that, you are in a different place than he is right now and that if he wants to go to the casino that you chose to do something different for that evening. That would be me anyway. But DARN PROUD OF YA!!!! you made it, I hope to someday be able to walk into a casino just for the fun of it. HUGS, xoxoxo Tasha
WOW, you did go to the lion\'s den and walk out. I am very proud of you! Doesn\'t it feel great to walk out know you beat the casino and kept your money by not gambling.
Unfourtunately I know your feeling we live in a small town and the casinos are the major attrctions arond here, even if it is only for the restaurants and shows.
But you did it. I recently returned to a casino for a friends birthday pary and saw the losers ( gamblers) also. Oddly I did not want to play. I think the longer you can stay away the better you will be. Again congrats you did a very brave think andcame out GF we are all happy you did.
Dave