Today....was not a great day.  Found out my blood sugar is higher than it has been in 2 years.  I don't know if it is stress or what- the dermatologist told me not to exercise for 2 weeks after the biopsy, and regular exercise has taken me off of my diabetes meds for the last 2 months.  It's discouraging to have the sugar jump up really high after being controlled by diet and exercise for 2 months.  My boyfriend has offered to take me to the casino and give me the money to gamble this weekend.  I feel so pressured by him and by my addiction.  I even verbally semi-agreed to do so.  Now I have to tell him I'm not going.  I want to go.  I want some of this stress to go away, and gambling  has been my favorite escape now for the last 3 years.  I picture myself feeling utterly despondent and suicidal on my way there, during, and especially after.  I just can't go back to that now.  I can't take the self-hatred right now.  Something has to go right in my life or I just can't take it. I'm just so sad and discouraged right now.  I've got to get a grip before this drags me down into a paralytic state.  Yesterday I was OK, today I'm on the rollercoaster going down down down.  I hope tomorrow I'll wake up with a new outlook and find some strength again.  Between the financial worries, working 29 straight days, worrying about my biopsy, and having my blood sugar jump up again, I'm just plain overwhelmed.  So...I'm going to take some Benadryl and go to bed and hopefully have a new attitude in the morning.