Me...

OK, been a while...Basically, my marriage sucks (nothing new there).  His porn addiction has gone out of control.  I living with him again after 7 months apart, and that only lasted for a little over 3 months.  I left (again) because I found out he was using his cell phone to look up porn sites.  So, now I'm back at my mom's, I've been here for a month now.  I had some thoughts today.  Nothing new- more like reminders to myself.  I thought about how nothing I do is ever good enough for him.  For example, my driving.  I try to do the speed limit, brake gently, not ride the tails of people in front of me,  avoid potholes,  and do anything I can to be a good driver.  Well, without fail, every single time we're in the car together, I get yelled at about my driving.  So today, he ended up driving (which he isn't supposed to because he doesn't have a license).  He did everything he always yells at me about (mind you, it's all in his head- I'm VERY careful about my driving, mostly because I'm afraid of getting yelled at).  He was speeding, cutting people off, not using his turn signals when changing lanes,  slamming on the breaks, cussing about the other drivers (who were doing the speed limit).  The list goes on and on.  Then I remembered something.  I can't do anything right according to him.  It's more than just that, really.  I am not GOOD at anything in his eyes.  I'm even a bad mom as far as he's concerned.  I also began thinking about how I can't see myself EVER going back to him.  I know I've said that before, but after this last time, there's just no way I can see myself being able to trust him again.  I'm tired of being hurt.  It's been going on for 7 years.  The pain from the physical, mental, and financial abuse has worn me down.  I don't think I can ever even trust ANY man again.  I can have men as friends, but the minute they start to show any type of interest in me, I push them away.  Not that some of them didn't deserve it.  And besides, I'm not looking for a relationship right now.  If they REALLY were my friends, and honestly cared about me, then they would never have mentioned any interest since they knew what I was going through.  So it's obvious that they were only concerned about their own feelings and never worried about mine.  I'm still deciding on filing the divorce papers.  I don't know what's stopping me.  I do still love him, but I know he will never treat like he loves me.  He will never respect my feelings, stop hurting me, or think anything I do is good enough.  He blames me for EVERYTHING that goes wrong- our car is 15 years old, when something goes wrong, he screams at me and says I'm trying to destroy the car on purpose.  IT'S FIFTEEN FREAKIN' YEARS OLD!!!  It has things that rattle, it has rust, the alignment is off due to 15 years of NE Ohio's terrible roads.  It doesn't run like new because it ISN'T new!!  Not my fault there.   Yeah, he's a jerk =( My dad just had surgery.  They still aren't sure what's wrong with him.  They have ruled out MS, but are still looking at cancer.  His surgery was on Thursday.  While he was in the hospital, my mom had to go to the emergency room because of severe pain in her jaw.  My dad's home now, and Jonathan missed him like crazy while he was gone.  My mom's improving and returned to work today.  Jonathan's doing VERY well in school, and I'm SOOOO proud of him!  He's such a sweetie, always giving me kisses and hugs =)  He's getting so big, it's amazing.  I posted new pics of him from Saturday.   That's all that's really new.  Aside from my son, my life sucks.  Now if I can just keep the 'interested' men away, I may just be able to heal from all the abuse and be HAPPY for a change.  No offense to my guy-friends out there, but MEN SUCK!!!!!!!!