How do you commit suicide without having it effect your child??? I love Jonathan, but at the moment I am resenting him because I have to keep on living for him.I even went as far as writing a letter to give to my parents, telling them to keep Jonathan and make sure that my husband never gets to see him. I told them to never tell him the truth about my death, I want them to tell him that I died unexpectedly in my sleep or something. But, will they actually do that??? People always say that death is never the answer, but when you're me, you know it really is the ONLY answer. Yah, some people have it worse- but I think I've got it just as bad. I really honestly hate myself and everything about me. I hate my body, who I am, and all the pain my husband has put me through. OK, so get a divorce, right? That's not going to work. I still have to deal with him because of my son. I still will have him in my life, reminding me of all the pain and heartache he's caused. Reminding me of all the times he's beaten me, all the punches to the head, all of the cheating (cheating in the form of pornography), all the times he told me I was worthless and put me down. He has worn me down to nothing, and I feel like there is no recovering from that. I will never trust him again- or anyone else. I will never again feel love for him- my heart is shattered beyond all hope now. I will never be able to love anyone again because I will never feel like I am good enough for anyone. MY OWN HUSBAND NEVER CARED ABOUT ME AND DIDN'T CARE IF HE HURT ME- WHY WOULD ANYONE ELSE BE SO DIFFERENT??? They wouldn't be different, that's how people are. My boyfriend before my husband was a porn addict, and then my husband came along and PROMISED he'd never hurt me like Dan did, but then he DID! And, it's even worse than with Dan because at least Dan never put me down other than the hurt from the porn. He never said I was worthless. He never called me a whore (well, after we broke up he did, but that's to be expected.) I hate him. I hate me. F*** the whole damn thing- I just want to end this heartache and misery and be done with it all.
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Oh gosh Melinda, hun, you have got to hang in there! You need to get away and not look back. I know you don\'t want to leave because deep down you love him, you hate to admit it but you do. How could you help not loving him. He is the father of your child. But a love like that is toxic as I am sure you know. No one person should make you feel like you are worthless! You know everything you are capable of doing and you have dreams you still want to fulfill. He didn\'t want you to take the job... that was to control you you know... see, if you are out in public he is worried that you will want the happiness you see others enjoying. Oh, believe me I know.. I went through it... yes, I was there right where you are at but I had 2 kids. I finally got up the nerve to leave him and I took the kids. I got an apartment of my own, put the kids in school and started college. I felt great, accomplished... for once I was ME... doing what I needed to do for my children and for me. I was separated for almost a year when we got back together and things have been much different since. I am no longer called those names, no longer accused of seeing someone.. no longer having to pay for what his first wife did to him.... I can say that now we are happily married, 24 years in July.. and yes, if you feel this way then YOU have to do something about it... take that risk... do for yourself and Jonathan.. and don\'t answer the phone if Rob calls!
Melinda...I like what MawBear is saying...if it you ever decided to move on with your life, you can do it. Sure you will have to deal with H but only for short small moments, not everyday like you are now. I do understand that it is hard for us to believe that we are worthy of anyone. But we Really are. From what I have gotten to know of you, I think you are great person. Perfect? NO. But a very good person all around. We have to put ourselves around people who do want to be around us. People who do care about us. I care about you and you are one of my good friends that I have gotten to know for the past year.
Awww Sweetie I know just how you are feeling.For close to twenty years I put up with it until one day I couldn`t take it anymore.Looking back I ask myself why did I let him treat me that way? He ran my self esteem down to nothing.How could such a loser live without him telling me every move.Well I showed him.Its so awesome not walking on eggshells,to wake up & be happy not dreading his mood swings. MaBear gave you some very wise advice.It is VERY hard to leave but you can do it & won`t believe how much better you will feel without his drama everyday.The trust issue is difficult but let me tell you that you are a very beautiful woman with an awesome soul.You care so much for everyone & are one of the best mommys I know.Any guy would be lucky to have a gf like you Please don`t sell yourself short because of Rob.Big hugs to you & Jonathan.
I have thoughts of taking my life and I know I have no one for my son. I do think about taking him with me. Neither of us have anyone and with my MS..I can never help him out with anything anyway. I am a burden...a burden who goes blind and can\'t walk. It definately takes its toll.
I would love for you to speak to a cousellor. Vent. Bitch. Scream. Cry. Punch something...but do not take yourself away from your son. No one will lie to protect him. It will always come out. He needs you. We need you. As for your husband...let me have a chat with him. Listen to the girls sweetie. Please. *hugs*
If you ever want to talk. I\'m here...or around.
Wow. I know that you are in a dark place in life right now but, you have to hang in there. My friend Pinky sent me here to read this. And I am so moved by your story it puts my own to shame. I agree with Pinky with for you talking to a counselor. Suicide is never a good choice no matter how hard things get. I agree your husband should never have abused u like that. He has cloudy you mind with how he was to you that all men are like that. They aren\'t. My X wife verbally abused me and as a matter of fact she still is right here on this site. But that is as close as she will ever get to doing what she did to me ever again. I do thank god I didn\'t have children with her but, I can understand that since you do have a child with your X he will be around in the picture because of it. And that I can understand for myself would be tough to me. We all at one point or another as human beings to just want to end it all. That is a normal grieving process to something terrible. I saw a counselor when I thought like that and I was told that it was normal and not suicidal. She told me its when u start planning and plotting or seeing yourself in the grave that its suicidal. Don\'t let your x continue to hurt you and the rest of your life. You are a better person than he is just by what you wrote here. You also have a son to worry about and care for. Think of what affect this will have on him in life. Whether or not he finds out the truth of your death it will always and forever affect him. Don\'t do that to him if you can\'t do it for yourself. Talk with someone hun. Anyone. Just don\'t do that. I had a friend commit suicide in front of me and you know what. It changed nothing in the people that were around him and only the people who cared and loved him the most got hurt out of it. I was one of those people that was hurt by it. You always have something special to give in this world. No one is perfect or has a perfect body or anything like that. Love yourself first and then let the rest of the world love you for it.