I just don't even know what to write. You've all heard it before. I wish I was dead. I wish HE would disapear. I wish he would get some help for his violent temper. He never will. He says what he has to say to get people to drop the subject. A master at manipulation. He has beaten me to the point of unconsiousness. He has kicked me, punched me, and choked me. He has broken so many things around the house in his violent rampages. He has broken me. I can no longer love or trust again. I have lived in fear for years. Afraid that I will say the wrong thing. Afraid that he could blow up at any moment. He does what he wants, when he wants, and I had better not have a word to say about it. I am terrified of him. I stay because I don't know where else to go or what to do. If I leave with the car, he'll come after me. If I leave without it, my parents won't let me in the house. They don't think it's as bad as it really is. I try to tell them, and all they ever say is that I had better not come to them without the car that they paid for. I feel so unloved and unwanted by my own husband. It shouldn't be this way. I should be with someone who treats me as his equal, who never would even THINK about hurting me. Someone who would never lie to me. Someone who would listen to my opinions, my thoughts, and my ideas. He has never once cared to even ask how my day was. He would rather I never spoke a single word to him. This isn't right. This is not a marriage. I am constantly called names, and ridiculed for everything I do. Nothing is ever right. I just spent half an hour in the bathroom, afraid to come out because he was banging on the door, threatening to bust it down. He broke the door. I was so afraid to open it and come out. I should not have to live in fear of my own husband. I am more terrified of him than I am of anyone else in the world. That is not an exageration. I have to lie to him to keep from being beaten or yelled at. I walk on eggshells daily. I am so terrified of him, and I have feared for my life every single time that he gets angry. He has pointed a gun at my head, he has kicked me repeatedly while I am on the floor in a ball screaming. He has slammed my head into stairs until I am knocked out, causing me to urinate all over myself- only to humiliate me because of it. He calls me the worst names, and it cuts me so deeply. My heart and soul are shattered beyond repair. I can never trust anyone else ever again. I am only 26 years old, and yet, I am broken. There's no healing from this. I will always be afraid of every man. I will always be suspicious of him. I cannot have a healthy relationship with anyone. I have found myself looking at every man, wondering how badly he beats HIS wife? I wonder how much porn does he hide from his wife? I wonder how often he has cheated on her?I find myself wondering what it's like to be in a happy relationship. One with trust, respect, equality, and love. Is there anything really like that? I don't know if that really exists or not. I doubt it, sounds too good to be true. All relationships start out wonderful and perfect. Mine did too. But then his true colors came out. How will I ever know if the next guy will end up like my husband? After all, he seemed so sweet and caring in the beginning. After a while, he began yelling at me and beating me. Soon, I couldn't do anything right. Nothing makes him happy- nothing at all. I try my best, and he still finds something to yell about or complain about. On Saturday, I got him the shirt that he wanted to buy for my cousin's wedding this weekend. I was so happy when I got home and showed it to him. He yelled at me for it. He said he didn't want it. I TRIED TO MAKE HIM HAPPY!!! Then, he takes my happiness and stomps on it. I try all the time to do things to please him and make him happy, but everthing I do fails. In six years, I have never found a way to make him happy with me. I do everything I can, and he still finds fault in it. Am I THAT bad of a wife??? Why can't I please my own husband??? Why is it that everything I do is never good enough? What more can I do?????
Replies
I think this may be the reason why your son has been acting out lately. Having autism and being less verbal might just explain his actions lately. He can\'t tell you what\'s going on in his head so he\'s showing you... mimicking his father. Is that really the sort of man you want him to grow up to be? You really have to find a way out. A miracle isn\'t going to just fall in your lap. Your problems aren\'t just going to disappear. If you want to change your life you have to do it yourself! Maybe you aren\'t really ready yet. Ask yourself what need is this relationship fulfilling for me? Why am I here? What good can come out of this? Take the car and go to your parents house, and when you get there tell them that they wanted the damn car so much that when Rob comes for you that THEY are going to have to deal with him. If he\'s hitting you CALL THE POLICE! Its illegal you know! He should be in jail. He can\'t come after you if his ass is in jail.
As hard as things are, I agree with DeniDoo, you have to find a way. We love you and it really is hurting us to see you in such pain and hurt. There is so much stress in your house. It is not good for anyone involved. You are a battered and an abused woman. You don\'t want to live your life like that for the rest of your days. I know it is easy for us to say these things but it is what we see. Please take care of you first and everything else will follow.
I read your journal and it takes me back to a place I was 10 years ago. I know exactly how you feel because I have been there. I used to pray to God that someone would kill him. I know that\'s terrible, but its how I felt. I want you to know that there IS a happier life out there for you. You already deal with so much. All you have to do is make a commitment to yourself and your son to make a better life. I made the mistake once of telling someone on this website to leave her abuser and he ended up killing her, so I will never ever do that again...but what I will tell you is that you need to explore in your community somewhere you can go to for help. I hate to hear that someone so young feels so worthless and hopeless. You don\'t have to live like that and there is a better life out there. I have also been beaten and almost killed. You know....one thing I said to my husband now when he tried to scare me...I told him that he was the person who was supposed to PROTECT me, not to scare me. He really listened to those words. One day you will feel love again. REAL love...but only YOU can make it happen...I am here if you need me.
Hi Melinda, I\'m sos orry to hear that you feel this way. I know that probably you are not ready to leave, but please dont torture yourself with the idea that you are not good enough. Of course your more than good, you are beautiful, intelligent, a great mom, a loving human being and just from reading your journal a GREAT WIFE. Remember that hapiness is within us, so if he is not happy, that is his problem you can not do anything to solve his problem. His hapiness does not depend on you as your happiness shoould not depend on him. I know that this is hard to understand when you are always in fear of his next action. You need to find a support system to rely on, it seems that your parents are very loving but maybe they can\'t understand what you are going through. Look for support groups in your community and prepare yourself for the wonderful life youy deserve and you will have. I will be praying for you.
Melinda, everytime I thought of leaving I would feel like a failure... like it was my fault that our marriage wasn\'t working. It wasn\'t my fault, there was nothing more I could do. Bonis is right... your happiness should not depend on him, and your self-worth should not depend on what he thinks of you. I was where you are once... I wanted to die I hated my life and myself so much. I thought I was worthless... I don\'t want to be preachy... but God found me... he was there each time I cried out for help. Little by little he began to show me that I AM special.. and I am loved no matter how many mistakes I make. Just as you are worth something to the GOd who made you.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray GOD will give you the strength you need to do what you need to do.
BIG HUGS
Melinda, reading your journal, very heart breaking. i was looking at your words, your text. i just wanted to reach through your words/text, through the screen, and just, hug you, and just not let go, until you felt comforted. You are a wonderful wife, and it\'s unfortunate, that you are treated badly. You don\'t deserve to be treated bad. no one does! You are a wonderful woman, who does so much.
You shouldn\'t have to live in fear Melinda. i am keeping you, in my thoughts and prayers. big comforting hugs . i love you, my soulfriend. We\'ll help you, make it through this. happier days ahead! :)
Hi Melinda,Theres nothing more I could say except that your friends are right.We love you and Jonathan! I have been where you are and no its no way to live.Please don`t let him hurt you anymore.
Melinda, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I feel your pain and wish that I could take it away. You are a great Mom and a wonderful, caring woman. You are very young and your whole life is ahead. Please don\'t loose hope that it will get better. It will, you deserve it. You haven\'t done anything to deserve this. Please take care of yourself and your son. There might be a women\'s shelter where you could go for advice and help. Next time he hits you, call the police and have him arrested. I will pray for you. I\'m here if you need me.