After 3 weeks of Rob asking me what I wanted for my birthday, I had finally told him.  I wanted $45 so that I could buy my mother a new album for her wedding pictures.  I want to re-do her album with acid free paper and materials, and the album I picked out is a little pricey.  I am not permitted to have money, so I have to ask for it for my birthday or Christmas.  This morning, he yelled at me before he left.  Here's why:Yesterday, he gave me $100 to go pay the gas bill and an IRS payment.  The IRS payment was $34.70The gas bill was $40.89The stamp to mail IRS payment $0.45Bag of candy for Jonathan $0.50Gas for the car so he could get to work in the a.m.  $10.00Pack of cigarettes (yah I'm smoking again)  $4.65That leaves $8.81 afterwards.This morning, I handed him $4.00 which I had in my purse.  I had forgotten that I also had $4.00 in the pocket of my jeans.   He blew up at me.  He yelled, calling me names, and told me that I cannot be trusted with money.   He told me that I have ruined his day because of this.  IT WAS ONLY $4.00!!!!  He screamed at me over something THAT small!  A few weeks ago, he had me pay the phone bill, and I gave him the change back.  He did the math, and I had not given all of the change, according to him.  $2.00 was missing.  TWO FREAKIN' DOLLARS!!!  He began screaming at me and threatened me.  The $2.00 that was missing was all in coins in my purse from the change fromt he phone bill and Jonathan's lunch.  So, anyways, I asked for $45.00 for my birthday.  I don't know why I bothered.  I will never get it.  I have never been given a birthday gift from him.  He always promises me the things that I want, but I never get them.  I know it's just a birthday, and that it sounds selfish of me, but it does hurt.  I feel forgotten.  He didn't bother to buy or make me a card.  He never brings me flowers.  He never has once cared about my feelings.  He always tells me that I don't deserve anything at all because I am a horrible mother and horrible wife.Just once, I would like to get flowers or a card.  I have never been given anything like that from someone that I am in a relationship with.  I have friends who have sent cards, my family sends cards.  But how come my own husband doesn't care???  I know it's just cards or flowers, but it's not the point.  The point is that I don't mean anything to him.We are getting a divorce.  I am moving out.  The past month he has been acting like he wants me to stay, telling me he doesn't want a divorce, and I fell for it AGAIN!!!  It's a cycle with him.  He constantly does this.  And, I am always the one who ends up hurt.  I am the one who'se self esteem is gone.  I am the one who feels worthless and unloved.  I am the one who ends up getting yelled at over a few dollars.  I am the one who gets abused.  Meanwhile, he goes on with his life, feeling no remorse or guilt for all of the heartache and pain he has caused me.  He has never once felt bad for beating me and dislocating my jaw 3 different times.  He doesn't care that he has hurt me.  He doesn't care that I am living in fear of him.Last night, my friend called me.  She was stranded at work, without a ride home.  She called at midnight.  He got so mad that she called so late.  I told her to wait for a few minutes until he went back to sleep so that I could sneak out and go get her.  I AM 26 YEARS OLD!!!  I HAVE A CHILD!!!  I COOK, CLEAN, DO THE LAUNDRY, GET JONATHAN READY FOR SCHOOL, TAKE HIM TO HIS DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENTS, GET HIM ON AND OFF OF THE SCHOOL BUS....  I am an ADULT!!!  I shouldn't have to SNEAK out anywhere.  I shouldn't have to BEG for money from him.  I shouldn't have been afraid when I got back last night.  I was terrified that he would scream and yell again, just because I went to help a friend.  Thank God he didn't know that I had left for an hour.   I am so sick and tired of being under his control.  I have to ask for everything that I want.  When I was working, I had to give him all of my paychecks.  I wasn't allowed to spend money on things for myself.  Yet, he can buy himself anything he wants.  I WANT FREEDOM!!!!  I WANT A DIVORCE!!!!  If I had somewhere to go, I'd be gone.  If I knew he wouldn't come after me and take MY car which my parents bought for me, I would be gone.  Every day, I lie to him, telling him that I love him.  I tell him what he wants to hear, just so that I don't accidentally set him off.  I pretend to enjoy having sex with him, just to keep him happy.  When it comes to sex, I feel like I have to act like some porno girl just to please him.  I don't enjoy it at all.  It's never about ME.  There's no 'love making' (whatever THAT is- I have never had it).    Is there such a thing as a loving man who cares about his wife's feelings?  Is there such a thing as a man who would stop at nothing to make his wife happy?  Is there such a thing as a man who would NEVER do anything to hurt his wife?  Do they ALL beat their wives?  Do they ALL say mean and hurtful things to their wives????