Closure.  It's all that I want.  All that I need right now.  But, I'm not going to get it.We went up to Walmart, just the 3 of us.  Of course, anything I wanted to get was a no-no.  I was yelled at in the soap/detergent isle.  I wasn't allowed to get the kind of dish soap I wanted to get- the kind I have been buying for years.  It had some extra thing on it, so he refused to let me get it.  It cost $2.82, so I was humiliated for it.  Not even 3 whole dollars after tax, and I was yelled at in front of everyone.  Figures.  He threatened to leave me there, with no money and no way of getting home, all because of $2.82!  When he finally calmed down, and I decided that I will not buy dish soap from there, we bought what we needed and left.  I drove home, and after having to BEG to listen to the radio station that I like (he never lets me listen to country, it always has to be his heavy metal headache music), I finally just said what I needed to say.  "It's time we faced the facts.  Things will never get better and we are both miserable."  He agreed, but started getting mad.  He said, "Yah, you and Jonathan will be fine because you can go to your mom's house, but I can't survive here if we get a divorce!"  I pointed out that we don't have to get a divorce right away, and that we can keep things 'civil' for the time being.  I told him, once again, to keep my car until I have the money to get him another one.  He can't legally have a car in his name in this state, so when he gets another car, it will have to be in my name.  So, he agreed with me on everything.  But then I asked for too much when I asked for some closure.  I told him I need to know why he could never stop looking at porn for me.  I asked why he couldn't love me or want me enough to stop.  Why did he have to hit me all of the time and be so mean?  Why was he always so angry at me, when all I did was try to love him?  He just got angry again, and told me to drop the subject.  So, no closure for me.I know all of you are wondering why it's so hard to leave a man who beats me, humiliates me, lies to me, calls me the most hurtful of words, and treats dog crap better than he treats me.  I don't know why.  I guess it's because part of me still loves him?  Part of me doesn't want to give up.  He isn't ALL bad.  He isn't this lunatic running around punching me every time he sees me.  That's just all that I write about on here because that's what I need to vent about.  He actually can be sweet at times.  Not often enough, but it does happen.  I also don't want to just leave him with no place to go.  He is from St. Louis, with no family or friends here.  I don't want to just leave him here with no where to turn.  Sure, everyone says 'Who cares??'  Well, I care.  I can't be a cold-hearted bitch, no matter what he has done to hurt me.  He could beat me, and leave me for dead in the woods, miles from anyone, and I still couldn't do that to him.  I believe in forgiveness.  It's not easy to do, but I do it.  I believe in love, and that love will conquer all hate.  There's enough hate, violence, and dispair in this world, and I don't need to add to it.  Hate gets you nowhere.  Neither does the saying, "Don't get mad, get even."  Well, getting upset is one thing, you can get over it.  But, getting even is NEVER right, no matter what the person has done.  Then, you are spreading anger and hate.  That's never a good thing.  Anger spreads, but so does a smile.  I would rather see more smiles in the world than angry faces.  Wouldn't you?So, that's why it's so difficult to leave.  I am though.  I have to wait until my parents are done unpacking though.  I don't know- but it seems like they are testing me.  I feel like they want to see if I am serious about leaving him.  I don't blame them.  I have been telling them for a long time that I want to come home, but I have changed my mind so many times.  So, yah, I understand why.  Besides, there isn't any place for me and Jonathan to sleep right now.  They just moved from a 5 bedroom HUGE house, into a tiny little 3 bedroom itty-bitty house.  They took all of their stuff- 23 years worth of junk, and it all has to be sorted out.  The new house is about 1/3 the size of the old house, without an attic, and a 1 car garage.  Until they get everything settled, I will have to stay here.