I feel sick.  My stomach is all twisted up.  I haven't been able to eat in days.  I made dinner last night, but I only had a few bites.  I just can't eat.  I was on the couch last night, I just wanted to lay there and never get up.  He was sitting in his recliner, just playing a game on his computer.  I wanted to sink into the couch, fall into it and disapear into the leather.  I wanted nothing to do with anything breathing.  I didn't want to hear the sounds of my family and my home.  I didn't want to see anything.  I just wanted to be numb, unable to feel, think, see, hear.  I wanted to be away from the pain.  I wanted to erase the memories of my life with him.  Then, I heard him get up and put his computer down.  I didn't know what he was about to do- there was a pause.  Then I heard him behind me, standing between the coffee table and I.  He leaned over me, and I opened my eyes.  I was holding on tight to my stuffed animal (a sea otter that my mom bought for me when we went to the zoo together a few weeks ago- we go together ALOT).  I didn't know what he was going to do.  Then he spoke.  "Do you want a hug?"  I began to cry, not turning over.  I kept thinking, "Please don't- I am trying to move on.  Don't make this harder by making me have second thoughts."  But even though I was thinking 'no'- I shook my head yes.  A habit?  Or did I just want him?  I didn't know what I wanted.  I rolled over and he didn't just hug me, he was holding me tight.  He buried his head into my neck and shoulder.  I held him just as tight, crying softly into his uniform shirt.  I touched his soft black hair with my fingers, grabbing the ends of it into the palm of my hand, and them smoothing it down and doing it again.  I wept in his embrace, wanting, wishing, praying for things to be the way they were before.  Before the fighting, before the stress of a child, before the seriousness of life.  I was thinking of the days when love was new and exciting.  Those first few months when it didn't matter where we were going or what we were doing.  We were living in Florida then, and I remember the time when we sat outside of my apartment on the sidewalk, next to my private entry door all night long.  We had known each other since October 2001, and this was April 2, 2002.  He was my boyfriend's supervisor at Albertson's grocery store on Palm Bay Road.  He would come over all of the time because he was Dan's friend (Dan was my boyfriend).  Dan was at work that night, and we were living together, but we were drifting apart.  Rob called, wanting to know if he could stop by and get a few cigarettes from me.  I told him he was more than welcome to stop by.  I had a crush on him since the day I met him months earlier, and we had hung out together once before- and we talked like we were old friends.  That was just a week before this.  He was at my door in about 3 minutes- litterally.  I went downstairs (my apartment was actually a condo, with a private door and the steps inside of my apartment), and met him at the door.  I whispered because my cousin, Randy, was sleeping on my couch.  We went outside, and before I knew it, we were sitting there talking on my sidewalk.  We talked like we had known each other for years.  As Rob later put it- there were no 'uncomfortable silent moments'.   He got there around midnight- and we talked until about 6:30am, just sitting outside on the sidewalk.  Then, he jumped up and said, "Hey- let's go watch the sunrise on the ocean!  We gotta hurry so we don't miss it."  I lived just 5 minutes from the ocean.  We got there and stood on the boardwalk, watching and admiring the beautiful sunrise.  I still remember exactly how it looked- every cloud, every shade of color.  I remember what he was wearing, what I was wearing- everything.  We leaned against the railing of the boardwalk, side-by-side.  Then he turned and stood facing me.  I remember the way he looked with the rising sun behind him.  The light touching his soft black hair, the look in his eyes.  He looked right into my eyes and said, "You look like you are so in love."  And I was.  I couldn't help myself.  Then, a man walked by, taking pictures of the sunrise.  He took a picture of us standing there looking into each other's eyes.  Rob didn't even know, and I have never told him.  Somewhere out there, there is a man with a picture of the first moments of our relationship.  I wish I knew who he was.  I wish I could have that picture.  A photograph of young love, in it's first hours, when everything was right, and the future was unknown.  Everything was fresh and new, like a newly hatched chick, seeing the world for the first time as it emerges from it's shell.  Perfect, fresh, without a flaw.That day was replaying in my mind- every word on the boardwalk, every color in the sky, every moment of it- as he held me there on the couch.  He was kneeling down beside me, and I know it was hurting his injured back, but he didn't stop.  He held me so close and tight.  I didn't want him to let go.  I didn't want this to end.  I wanted to stay there, let out all of my tears, and pain.  I whispered so soft into his ear that I thought he couldn't hear me, "I love you".  He heard me.  He said he loved me too.  Then the silence was broken, and Jonathan crawled onto the couch, right ontop of me, wanting to get in on the love.  He always does whenever Rob and I hug each other.  Rob let go and started up the stairs to the bathroom.  I watched him as he walked away, still with tears in my eyes.  He saw me watching him from over the top of my pillows, and he got three steps up, and turned around and came back.  He knelt down again, and kissed me several times.  Not just the typical, routine, been-married-for-a-few-years kind of kiss.  He kissed me softly, several times.  I could feel how he was feeling.  I was feeling it too.  Then, once again, Jonathan wanted in on it, begging for a kiss. I slept in our bed for the first time since Monday.  I had been sleeping on the couch at night, not because he didn't want me in our bed, but because I didn't want to be there.  He held me for a moment, and rolled over to go to sleep.  I laid there for a while, unable to sleep.  Images of him looking at porn, ordering it with the credit card, then changing his passwords to hide it because he KNEW it would hurt me.  Him doing all of this, KNOWING how badly it would hurt me.  KNOWING that it would lead to this.  He did it with no reguard to my feelings at all.  He lied to me.  He hurt me.  He made me feel like I was not good enough for anything at all.  He has made me uncomfortable being intimate with him, because I feel like it's not me he's thinking about in our bedroom.  I always feel like he's thinking about the porn he's watched- imagining it, using me a tool for his pleasure.  I don't think he thinks of me being there.  Like it's not me there with him.  We have never made love, we have only had sex.  He's not into me, or my body.  It always feels like it has nothing to do with me.  About 2 years ago, he told me what kind of porn he looks at.  I have kept it a secret, and will continue to do so.  But, ever since then, I have tried to be like the girls he looks at.  I know what he likes, and I have tried to change myself in the bedroom to be like that.  The thing is, that's NOT me.  I am not like that.  I have to pretend that I am something I'm not.  I won't let him see me naked, and the lights have to be off because I don't want him to see my imperfect body.  I actually WANT him to imagine that I am some young (he likes them younger than me), thin girl, with no flaws physically.  I WANT to satisfy him.  I WANT him to want me, whether it's who I really I am, or what he imagines me to be.  I long to be perfect.  Physically, as well as my personality.  I want everyone to love me.  I want to be accepted.  I want to be wanted.  I want to be a perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect daughter, perfect friend.  I want to be perfect in every single thing in my life.  Because of this, I have always been the one that friends would come to for help and support.  I was the one who hid all of my pain, never crying in front of anyone, trying to be strong, trying to seem perfect.  When I have/had emotional pain, I couldn't turn to anyone.  Not even my best friend.  She had so many problems- got pregnant at 17, an abusive father, coming out as a lesbian...  I have always been there to pick up the pieces of her life.  I was the one giving advice.  No one was ever there to help me.   Because of this, I tend to be overly emotional, and I always over-react to things that I shouldn't.  When I get upset, I blow up into this crying, panicing, and emotional train wreck.  I cannot control my emotions because there are so many there that I can't hold them in and keep calm and collected.  I blow up so easily, and I can't help it.  Last year, I was fired from a job that I took just to have some extra money.  It was an awful job, and it wasn't anything like what I went to school for.  It was in a warehouse- a job that most people thought was 'beneath me'.   I was fired for reporting sexual harrassment.  I was upset, but held it together long enough to go and talk to the woman who was over my boss.  I sat in her office, and told her what why I was fired (she was not the one who made the decision).  I told her how I had reported the sexual harrassment just a few days earlier.  She said to me, "You have to keep your nose clean if you want to work here."  I lost it- kinda.  I got up, and told her she would be hearing from a lawyer.  I went home, called Rob, and then called the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.  They had me come down and fill out a complaint, and recommended I get a lawyer.  I found one to take my case, and we went to a 'mediation' with the E.E.O.C. and the company.  Rob was permitted to join us for moral support on my behalf.  My lawyer spoke first, telling my side of the story.  Then, it was time for the company's lawyer to speak.  Everything that came out of his mouth was a lie.  He lied about everything- saying I never reported the harrassment, saying things that made absolutely no sense at all.  I was squeezing Rob's hand as the lawyer/liar spoke.  Then, I lost it- I began crying and screaming at him, telling everyone that he was lying.  I couldn't hold it in.  I couldn't let this man who was not even there, just sit an lie like that.  I was pulled out of the room by the mediator, and she calmed me down.  I went back in the room with a tissue and a glass of water.  I had ruined the chances of taking it to court.  They knew I couldn't handle depositions and the stress.  My lawyer suggested we go for a settlement, even though I could get ALOT more money and consiquences for the company's decision to fire me if we went to court and won.  But, I had to settle for $10,000- and they didn't have to change anything about the way they handle a sexual harrassment complaint.  I didn't make a difference for the next girl to be harrassed.  I let my emotions get the better of me, and didn't change anything.  I am not permitted to say the name of the company, I am not allowed to give any names.  They have gone unpunished for what they have done to me.  I found out later from my lawyer that she had cases against this company before me for the exact same thing and all of the other women settle also.  I didn't stop it.  I didn't fix anything by making a complaint.  When the check came, it felt wrong.  I felt like I was just paid for my silence.  And that obviously didn't feel good. It's times like that which make me wish I could control my emotions better.  I want to be emotionally and mentally stable.  I want to be able to stay calm and think clearly.  But, I can't.  I want to be able to stop and think before I act.  But I just don't know how.I am who I am, and I want to change.  I want to get past all of these problems.  I want to be 'normal'.  I want to be perfect.Rob left for work this morning without waking me up to put on his socks.