I am crying  and I can't stop.  He is just all over the place.  This morning, he put his arm around me as he was getting out of the car, and I thought for a split second that we would be OK.  But then he got mad at ME because I have a black eye and a bruise on my jaw.  Then, I had to take him his lunch because he refuses to pack a lunch.  I drove all the way up there (it's not really close), in a nasty thunderstorm, and he got into the car.  Things were OK for about 30 seconds.  Then he saw the bruise on my jaw and yelled at me again for MAKING him hit me.  Then he started yelling because I didn't bring $20 for him to get lunch and all he had was $100-dollar bills on him.  I had $8 on me, so I gave him that to get some lunch.  We pulled into Rally's (Checker's) drive through, and he says, "I suppose I have to feed you guys too?!?!" with a nasty attitude.  I said, "No, you don't have to feed us." And, because I was so upset by him telling me he hates me the whole way to Rally's, I muttered under my breathe, "Why should you have to feed me?  I'm not your wife anymore according to you."  I shouldn't have said that- but I was so angry and sad and feeling so much pain in my heart.  That made him really angry, and he trew the car into reverse and got out of the drive through.  He started yelling at me, saying I was wasting his lunch break.  UHHH???  We were at the drive through and he could have ordered some food!  I told him not to leave.  I swear- he makes HIMSELF miserable!   So he drove back to work, got out of the car and walked inside.  I was in tears and couldn't drive when I was so upset like that, so I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes.   He came back out there, yelling at me, calling me a 'retard' (I hate that word!), and told me I HAD to leave.  I offered to go and buy him some lunch, but he refused it, saying it's my fault that he has to be hungry for the rest of the day.  But, I didn't tell him he can't get anything to eat.  He made that choice!  He asked when I will be moving out.  I told him as soon as possible.  That's when it hit me that it IS over, and there's no going back now.  I sent a text message to Chris (Chris1981), and told him that I know it's over now.  That was the exact minute that it occured to me that this is the real end.   Why am I so brokedhearted over him?  Why does it hurt so bad?  Am I stupid for feeling this way about someone who hurts me physically and emotionally?  I feel so stupid for believing that we would be OK just a week ago.  I feel like an idiot, like everyone is thinking, "I told you so!" This is what I was so afraid of and why I didn't leave before.  I was terrified of feeling this way.  I didn't want to feel the heartache and pain.  I feel it now, and I can't control myself.  I cannot stop crying, I cannot get this off my mind, even for a moment.  I just feel like I have been thrown to the side for no reason.  I see no reasons for is actions.  He said he wants me gone so he can live his own life.  I have known for a long time that we would get divorced.  I have wanted to leave everytime I found the porn, and every time he hit me.  So why do I feel so sad about this?  Why is this hurting so much?  Why do I feel like my life is over?I feel like I will never again be loved.  I don't mean friendship love, I mean true love.  I know I'm young, but I feel like my life is over.  Who would ever want me now?  Everyone on here tells me I'm so pretty- but you guys have only seen a few pictures of me.  I am not that pretty in person.  Plus, my body is ruined by stretch marks from having a baby.  I am overweight and flabby.  I could go on, but I'm too embarrassed about the rest of it to mention it.  It's nothing anyone can see, so I like to keep it a secret.  Not to mention that I am now broken.  I have so much emotional baggage and stress- no one will want to deal with that.  I long to be perfect.  I long to be loved, and to love without feeling pain.  I just can't see that happening for me.  I know everyone here tells me that I am a good person, and that I am beautiful, but- I don't have men looking at me at all, ever.  I feel like I look like a monster- seriously.  I hate who I am, and I wish I could be someone else.  I wish I was beautiful and sexy enough that he wouldn't look at porn.  If I was pretty, sexy, and perfect inside and out, I wouldn't be hurting right now.  I would be in a happy marriage, rather than packing my things and getting ready to file for divorce.  If only I had been different.  If only I had been who he wanted me to be...  If only.....