Anxiety is making me quite sick. I can't sleep. I have bipolar disorder and if I don't sleep properly it throws my moods out of wack. Then it is difficult to control things. I am not myself when I am manic. I get crazy over stupid things like cleaning. When I'm depressed, I feel I want to hide away in my room until it gets to the point of wanting to cut myself like last month. It worked. I cut, just a small cut because that's what I do. Little cuts I can hide just to have pain I can control and see a little blood. There was a lot of blood last month. Not like it was going to effect my health, just more than I would have liked. I don't want to be a bad girl. I just want to stop feeling like I'm completely out of control.
I don't really know what to do for myself I've done what I know without cutting. Good right?
What is difficult for me is that I had many people I was talking to about various things. There was just this ongoing conversation going on with every one and I always felt I had some one around me to email, text, chat whatever in the middle of the night or day whenever something was really taking me apart. But suddenly it feels like everyone has gone or they do not wish to be around a sinking ship. I don't know. I just know that there are not emails, voice messages, texts whatever. I feel alone suddenly. There's just a vacantness about me. I feel afraid to reach out.
For example, I desperately wanted to call a good friend of mine who understands me well and always has helpful things to say. But as I held the phone to call him, I suddenly got the feeling that he does not want to talk to me about my troubles. Because he lives in another country, he is 5 hours ahead of me. I decided with all these feelings swirling in my stomach, that it was too late to call. It really wasn't. I was just being a f*cking chicken.
There is really no reason why I person feeling like this should live.