I just found myself doing something I just said I was proud of not doing for a long time when I was therapy today.  But I was home and I could feel that thing in me. I could feel that thing unraveling and leaving a painful hole. I started unraveling at therapy. I realize it now. And I recognize it too. I went through this two weeks ago after therapy and I let it go. I didn't stop to fix myself. I just pushed on trying to convince myself I was ok. And I kept pushing and pushing, but it wasn't working. The more I whispered I'm ok, the less I was. The more I pushed away my desire to cut, the less I knew what to do and the less ok I was. 
There is a part of me that knew what to do, what I should have been doing all along, but I wanted to be good. I wanted people to be proud of me to believe I'm strong. I did what they wanted and not me. Let me tell you, I landed in a BAD place.
 
I need to take a break because I'm not feeling well. I have more to say so if some one stops by to read, please come back. I have cut. First time in a long time and I know it is a horrible terrible thing and I'm sorry. I can't believe how easy it was after so long of not cutting. I know it is bad and I'm not trying to glorify it. But I truly believe if I hadn't let out that little bit, I would have been dropped into agony again. And I'm not sure I can get out a second time.
I hope to be back soon.