I am having this amazing anxiety attack that just will not let go of me. It's like my brain is confused and it is reliving the the night of my rape over and over. I feel myself in such a state like after the rape and I am thinking, if I just wait till morning I can call my friend. If I just wait til morning he will listen and understand me. If I just wait till morning he will know what to do. If I just wait til morning he will love me and help me. He will love me back to life, but I have to wait til morning. But I can't wait and I start: If I could just call him now in the middle of the night, he could help me RIGHT NOW! If I could call him right now he could come to me and make me feel safe. And the thing about these memories is that they are bad enough on there own, but knowing what happened once I did call him in the morning, makes all the bad so much worse. Because when I did call him in the morning, he called me a liar. When he finally picked up the phone there was no support, no love or caring just nothing. So the me today is having this flashback with all this knowledge behind them. This makes my anxiety feel ten times worse. Maybe a hundred times is closer. Then its like me today is thinking what if I could talk to him today and explain everything and get him to believe me, then will he be supportive and loving. SO the now me starts her own anxiety loop about how to get in touch with him. And I know that it is useless, but I cant stop. This anxiety started last night and I can't get it to go away.  I do think it would be fair for me to say that once I became suicidal after the rape, he was supportive, but he could not understand how I got to this point because he did not acknowledge the rape. So he had all this love for me when I attempted suicide, but acted like he could not undestand what brought me here. Then he left.