Again I have been away from my computer for a long time. At Thanksgiving we went to see our family in Massachusetts for a week. Since I have been back, I have really not been feeling well. I have been seeing lots of doctors and having lots of tests done just to make sure something new and serious hasn't popped up. My pain and anxiety have been keeping me in my house and on the worst days in my bed. I feel like I am wasting my life away in bed, but I really just don't feel right. I don't know how I manage it, but my house is clean and I almost always make dinner for my husband. If it were just me, I would just eat cereal all the time.  Last week I had to have an MRI and I thought I was going to lose it. The basis of my panic is an assault and being in the MRI unit flat on my back and no way to move really reminds me of that. The doctor gave me two attivan. At first I still had a hard time, but I asked the tech to put me in again because I knew my neurologist needed me to do this. I kept saying, "big dumb machine" as another tech had told me. I also did the deep breathing thing and then I started singing through my favorite album. I got through that one, but I was supposed to have a second one today  on my foot without the medication . Today I am feeling sick. I have fibromyalgia, endometriosis and PCOS which all cause me lots of pain. (I have also had 2 mini strokes and migraines which is why I needed to have the first MRI) I am having lots of pain so when they panic started, I felt I didn't have the energy to get through it and canceled my appointment.Sometimes it just feels like too much to try to get through and that is what today is. With the way I am already hurting, I just wanted to stay in bed and pull the blankets over my head. It is really sad, but it feels like lately there have been a lot of days like this and I just can't get through it all the time. It wears me out. I feel guilty for canceling my appointment, but the feelings were just too strong and the pain too bad. This weekend we are going back to Massachusetts for Christmas. I really don't want to go. Everything bad that happened to me happened in Massachusetts. I will be leaving the place that feels most safe to me and going somewhere I do not feel good about anymore. Also, my mom makes me feel inadequate. I really am not looking forward to it.  I hope you all enjoy the holidays! Wish me luck.