I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel like all I can do is rest or sleep. I feel like I wasted so much time in the past couple weeks. I have this pain. I always have pelvic pain that can be really bad, but lately I have had bad back pain and all my joints hurt. I have fibromyalgia. I guess this is just a flare up, but it makes me so sad to see just how much time I have wasted. And I feel like I just shut down when my husband leaves. Just trying to recharge my batteries until he gets back. He's gone like 12 hours a day, so for 12 hours I am nothing. Don't get me wrong, I am still cleaning my house and doing the laundry and grocery shopping. I am making it to all my doctor appointments, but there is just so much time when I am doing nothing or sleeping. My house is clean, it is not neat, but it is clean. And I am proud of that. At least I have that, but the summer just disappeared on me, September is gone and now October feels half over. I feel like I could close my eyes and open them to 36, I have a month of 35 left, but you know what I mean. It's there and then it's gone. I don't think I'm depressed, but maybe I am just fooling myself. I truly feel that it is just my illnesses getting the best of me. But I did just have a very hard time dealing with rape memories and the problems which arose from it. And then there are the feelings of not being worth anything. Like I am nothing or as I said earlier, I am nothing once my husband leaves. I can't find a place of balance. The place where everything works. It is hard to think that anything is wrong when I can clean my house and keep things working as they should. But I am so tired. Then there were these moments over the past few months when I felt that everything was right with my husband. I am not saying that my marriage is bad. We have been married for 14 years and I am happy about that. But there have been many times when I felt wrong with him. I am sure that it was due to the rape memories that screw up so much of my life (it has given me constant physical and mental pain and taken babies from me). I almost always feel as though the close moments or intimate moments are ruined by bad feelings lurking in the back of my mind and that makes me feel like I am not good enough for my husband. But over the past few months there have been times when we have been together and everything felt right. There have even been times that felt like when we were first dating. I love that! But then the pain will sneak in and I feel like crap again. It is always when I want more that everything seems to fail. I want to be more active, start a hobby, go back to school or get a job; something happens and I end up worse than I when I started. I swear it. I wanted to test the waters and see how I would do with a commitment of a few times a week to see if I could handle school again. When I was getting info, my pain got worse and I ended up in the hospital. Now here I am bearly getting by and I don't know what to do. I am actually afraid to tell my pdoc next week because I don't want a medication increase if this is just a fibro flare. Medications can cause me problems, I don't want to take more than I have to. I feel that illness is dictating my life. Do I just keep going the way I am thinking that things are going to get better when my illness backs off (my fibro usually backs off once I have taken care of myself and avoiding certain things long enough) or do I decide that this is a depression, tell my pdoc and take more medicine?  I will just have to muddle through.