So I have been writing a lot these past few days. I have been trying to keep the encouraging words of other people in mind and keep from judging myself before there is even anything there to truly judge. Ok, so most of the encouragement is old; a teacher from high school, a couple of friends who aren't my friends anymore, and my dad (who I think feels obligated to encourage me). But there have been a few people who have recently helped with encouragement; I guess my dad still fits in there, my husband (very unexpected), my therapist (does she count because I pay her) and my good friend Dani. So I am just trying to write it out, you know, all those terrifying moments during the rape as well as what I went through after. It is therapeutic to a point. I am constantly wondering if I am adequately describing what it felt like. Can I ever write a description of what I felt that ever fully... Can anyone else ever understand what it feels like to have some one rip you open, steal your soul, and leave you an empty nothing without going through that? It is such a BIG BAD thing and everything I ever read about it in the past leaves me feeling that you can't. Whenever I come across a book in which a rape occurs, I feel the writer passes over it like it is just a small bump in the road. It's not a speed bump, it is more like a pot hole. A very big pot hole that breaks your car to pieces.   It feels good to get the thoughts out, but then it is there, it is real and it is staring me in the face. I do feel proud of myself for being able to push on. In the past, when it starts to become difficult, I give up. I feel more prepared this time. I bought my favorite pen and paper, lots of them, and I put it all together in a tote bag so I can put it away quickly if I have a flashback and I can take it with me any place I might feel like writing. I want to write it and I hope it is good enough that it might help some one else. I am still having problems with my chronic pelvic pain, so I have spent a lot of time resting. It upsets me that I need to do this. I wasted a whole summer. I feel like I have to enjoy this weekend, because it is the last of summer.