I have this fear that I am going to write a really long entry and it will be gone when I post it. I haven't been on much because I have been feeling really awful. My last two visits to the doctor have been very depressing. I have been having the worst pain I have ever had and my doctors say they can't find any way of helping me. Needless to say I left their offices crying. I didn't want to. I wanted to be that really strong person who can handle any bad news, but I couldn't help it. The one guy yelled at me for taking extra medicine after his nurse told me that he had approved it. I don't handle being yelled at well. The other guy started talking about how if I had not had any kids yet, I probably wouldn't because what are you, 38. Thanks a lot I am 35 for three more months! Dammit give me my due! And stop it with the baby thing! Every time I think I am over not having children, something happens and I get real sad. Sometimes I start to think that with all the things I have been through, I would have been an awesome mom. But somebody doesn't agree. Maybe I would have made the same mistakes my parents made and I would have been a witch. (I am not talking about the basic mistakes that parents make, these were REALLY SEVERE mistakes.)  On top of all that is the rape issue, because with the pain comes the reminders. Now that my doctor went and brought the no baby thing up, I am reminded that his theory that the rape caused my babyless situation. Which then reminds me that the pain also comes from the assault. Then I start thinking what a waste of space my useless broken body is; all I have created is pain. It is very depressing. And you know I spent a lot of time dreaming my life up. After everything that happened to me, after the assault when only thinking of what the future may hold kept me going, I had a lot of dreams. I wanted to have 4 kids and a dog. I imagined my husband would be loving and nurturing and so good with our kids. I imagined our house and the black lab puppy running around. I know it was not very imaginative, but it was lovely. My kids would behave and know they were loved. I hoped that they would sing in choir as I did. I imagined watching them walk on the field for drum corps competition (it's like marching band, but better) just as my grandfather and great uncle, my dad and my uncle and me and my brother did.  I had it all planned, never thinking that the nightmare I was dreaming to escape from, changed me forever. Now here I am and I cannot describe for you the depths of pain this brings me. I just feel like there is no need for me. There is nothing here, but pain. My husband works so much and I hardly see him, but I was in so much pain today that I spent half the day lying down and trying to get it to go away. Now it has gotten bad again and for some reason I find it very difficult to lie in bed when there is some one else there and I hurt. The summer is almost over and I feel like it was wasted. We canceled out vacation plans, I hoped that we would still spend some extra time together just in the area, but we didn't really. The little time we had was either wasted with pain or taken up by other people. It just feels wrong. I feel censored right now because I don't want the noise of the keyboard to wake my husband and that he might see my pain, so I will try to write a better entry later. I stopped coming online because my pain was so bad and I didn't want to bring anyone else down with me. I knew Dani would be busy with her kids. Dani is my number one supporter and I didn't want to bother her. I also miss Matt and Ken. The one thing that I have always wanted to do that I recently started working on is writing a book. When I was in high school, I was always writing something. It was sort of my saving grace. Many people thought I would write books. My dad and one of my high school friends had complete belief in me, but I have never had the confidence. Also, I knew what I needed to write about, but I didn't know how to frame it or how it would end. It is basically my story. The story of deep friendship, assault (of course) complete betrayal and. . . that was what I couldn't get. What was my resolution? I think I have an idea. I really believe I could write it now, but would anyone read it? Maybe it isn't important to get published. Maybe writing it is all I need. I am kind of afraid to go through writing it to find that no one wants to read it. Everyone wants high suspense, thrillers, murders, exotic sights, fighting, magic, magical creatures and super heroes. I don't have any of that to give. It scary to be read and scary not to be read. Oh well, I should just do it and see what happens. I miss my friends.