I was in the hospital all last week. So far, this summer is not very good. I am really not feeling well and going onto the computer has not been a priority. I'm sorry. When things are bad emotionally, it is good to come here and talk to you, but when I am in pain, it is difficult to sit at the computer. I know talking to you all makes me feel better and some of you offer very helpful advice, bit it is just so difficult. I'm sorry. Regarding, my entry about my best friend from high school being only a click away. I finally decided to request him as a friend on myspace. He has not answered yet, although he has been on myspace since I sent the request. I am afraid that his wife may have been the one to see it. She used to be a close friend, but she turned away from me after the rape and has treated me worse than her husband. She has said directly to me not to talk to her again. I believe that if she saw it first, I had not chance.  This happened yesterday. I finally reached a point where I was suffering with my physical pain and I realized that the fear that lives in me because of the rape along with the physical damage the rape caused, is way more significant than this friend thing. I mean I have bigger issues than whether or not some one who did not believe in me when I told him about the rape will talk to me. I have to deal everyday with the pain the assault caused and I have to get over my anxiety and fear of some one hurting me every time I try to go out. Why am I worried about this insignificant person. I feel like a different person. It is not the feeling like I have gotten over everything and I am reborn a new free happy person. I feel like some one has taken over me. Some one who sees what the problems really are and wants to face that instead of wasting time on something else. It is like this person has said to me, "why are you wasting all this time on this person? You are distracting yourself from the real problem. And that is FEAR. Wake up and talk about the FEAR. Stop wasting all this time on some one who doesn't deserve your attention." So that was when I decided I would contact him and it shouldn't matter which way it goes. I just wanted to do it and get over it, leave it behind and work on the real problems. Does this make any sense to anyone? When all this happened, I also realized something else I have always wanted to do. I have always wanted to write a fictional book based on what happened to me, but I have always found ways to avoid working on it or sabotaging it. I would start thinking things like, "I am a bad writer," or "I'll never be able to do this." Then if I did start it I would get to the point where I couldn't wrap it up. I could not write a good ending. I think that is because the suffering and the reprocussions have not come to an end in my life, so I could not see and end for my charactor. I really think I could pull it off now. I don't know why, I just feel much more confident. I am not sure that I have any writing talent or that it would be something that anyone else would read, but maybe just writing it is enough. Maybe getting it out of my body and into the world would help me release it. I don't know, but I am going to try. Wish me luck. Maybe I should set a goal.