I don't know what is wrong with me. I really must be crazy. Let me tell you why. There is somebody that was very close to me in high school when all this disturbing crap happened. And now he is just a computer click away. And I want to click so bad. I want to ask him to accept me as a friend on his page. I want to I really do. And there I was, on the page that says "are you sure you want to add 'blank' as a friend", and I just sat there staring at it. Yes I want to ask him to accept me, but no I don't want to find out that he doesn't want ME. That would kill me I think. But that hope lying back there that maybe he will just accept me, start talking to me and make up with me over something that happened so long ago is so overwhelming. I clicked cancel. I am such a chicken. I couldn't bear something else going bad right now. Those of you that have been following along know that I am talking about the person who was my best friend at the time of the rape. I am talking about the first person I chose to tell and the first person to call me a liar. He was also the one who was there when I came undone and attempted suicide. He did a lot to try and help me, but nothing to try and understand me. "I wonder why my BEST friend ever became suicidal after telling me that she was raped and I didn't believe her even though she has NEVER lied to me before." That is what I imagined him thinking all those years ago, because I think it would take a complete and total idiot not to put together one plus one equals she told me the truth about the rape. Sometimes I am still willing to say, "we were teenagers and maybe that was just too much for us to bear", but most of the time I think, "he called me a liar!" So there is this very intense desire to have him back in my life. To be able to reminisce about the good things we went through, the music we listened to and such, but there is also a desire to scream and cry and tell him just where my life went after he called me a liar and left. It is such a strong urge, But there is also part of me that is very afraid that he will turn from me again. And I just can't bear that right now. Right now I am balancing on the edge. I am broken and hanging buy a very thin thread. I am having rape flashbacks and nightmares. I am breaking down in therapy. I am having paralyzing panic attacks and just one more thing is one more too many. Here is a song that makes me think of my friend (or x-friend). BREAK ME DOWNIt's too late the time has comeI've kept this inside me for way too longSilence will leave me coldLost on a highway that never leads me home *CHORUS I WANT TO STEP ASIDEI WANT TO GIVE IT UPBEFORE I LOSE IT ALLIT'S TEARING ME INSIDETHE WAY YOU BREAK ME DOWNTHERE WILL COME A TIMEWHEN I WILL COME UNDONEAND YOU WILL LET ME FALLI'LL LEAVE IT ALL BEHINDBEFORE YOU BREAK ME DOWN The weight of a thousand liesPromises broken haunt me all the timeYou say that you're sure to changeBut your black heart revealsThat you'll always stay the same *CHORUS I realize forgiveness is calling. it's callingI've denied the reason I'm falling I'm fallingSo Let go*CHORUS Can you understand the weight of this urge? I have never had a friendship like the one I had with him again. I didn't want it. It hurts too much when they realize that I am too heavy. I want him back, and yet...