I can't believe it has been a month since I have last wrote. Something inside me has kept me from everythng. There is just this lurking black cloud. And I don't want to share it, spread it. I am just trying to keep it contained. It really hurts. It's nightmares and flashbacks and just really ugly images I don't want anyone to see. And what makes this all worse is the actual physical pain. Of course that is bad while all is else is failing me. And the pain medication is making me tired which makes it so much easier to not be.  I am sorry for my absence and I hope all my friends are ok. Right now I feel like if I open up a little, I will just explode.