I am really frustrated with my doctor. I went to her because I am having a terrible time with anxiety. I mean really bad. I was sleeping very poorly. (Last night I finally slept a full night.) So I explained to her all the anxiety and about the nightmares. She knows my past and about the PTSD. And she says she just wants to increase my Lamictal a little instead of giving me something I can take in the moment. I was all for this method in September when we decided to try dropping all the other medicines I was on and just try increasing the Lamictal. But we have been doing that for months. When I start having nightmares, flashbacks and such bad anxiety attacks that it is affecting my life, it is time for something more direct! I don't think this is working. And when I start having problems with extreme anxiety my way of dealing with it is extreme. Cutting. I have not done it in MANY months. I think it is great that I have not been doing this, but it is also VERY HARD TO STOP. I don't know how far I can be pushed. I don't know how strong I am. And I am telling you, it is a scary feeling to be out of control and cutting was so satisfying and therefore hard to stop. What I am saying is I don't want to start that again. It is not a threat. It is a fear. I started crying in her office. And I am trying to explain that I am not crying because you won't give me Klonopin. I am crying because I know what my way of dealing with things in the past was and I am afraid I am going to fall into that again. I am crying because I don't think you are listening and hearing how bad I feel and how scared I am. You know, what comes after cutting, when cutting isn't working, is so much worse. I feel that over the months there have been really tough spots and I don't know how I have gotten out of them. But right now, these anxiety attacks, are stronger than anything I have felt recently. They're scarier and more powerful. The nightmares are worse. I have not had a STRONG POWERFUL flashback yet, but if I do, judging from everything else, it will be bad. That will probably be the thing that throws me over the edge. And I don't mean to sound defeatist. I know some people believe that if I think this way, it will happen. What I am saying is that in the past when this happens, this is what follows. I want to stop that.Spring is approaching and that is the time I fail the most. That is when anxiety is highest. That is when ALL the bad things in my life have happened and that is when I am reminded of it all. If I do not enter it strong. I don't come out the other side well. Then summer is just hell and it can reach into fall. It takes a while for me to get back on my feet. And if I think the nightmares are bad now, I can't even tell you what they will be like then. I can just hear some of you thinking that I am just preparing myself to fall, but the thing is that if I prepare myself, I don't fall so far. You know?I know this sounds weird and crazy, just trust me, I am crazy weird. I just want to make it through and the way things are starting and seeing how she is reacting to me now, I am not going to make it. She wants me to come back in a week. I feel like screaming, saying I have given this method a try, but I know myself and if it is not working now... I am scared. help.