I just had this nightmare that some one I really trust assaulted me. I am really really upset. I can't fall back to sleep because everytime I close my eyes I see his face. The way he looked at me in that nightmare. It was just so, greedy. I KNOW this person would never hurt me. He is a professional and he knows my past and has been soooo good to me about it. He is a doctor and one of my only doctors who has listened to what happened to me and has not used it as a way to tell me my illness is in my head. I saw a lot of doctors who once they found out what happened, treated me like damaged goods whose only problem would be depression. He is not like that and is always friendly and considerate. He hates when I get upset in his office. And I am telling myself this over and over to get the image of him raping me out of my mind. I can feel the anxiety just piling up. And it is 2 AM and I can't call some one. All I can do is write in this f*cking journal. Or in my private handwritten one, but still it is just a book and not some one to tell me that it will be ok and I should sleep.I think I know why this happened. I was in his office recently and I told him about a problem. And he said let me see and just very forwardly touched me. He had to lift my shirt a little. And there was nothing inappropriate about it. Really! I just felt kind of creepy and I didn't say anything. I don't like men to touch me unless I am prepared. You know? I am sorry but I was raped and I was abused. I have issues. I need some warning or preparation. My other doctor has to tell me everything he is about to do and everything I am going to feel or I lose it. I just don't like it. Makes me anxious, gives me flashbacks and causes nightmares.I was trying so hard to be the everything is fine girl. The peachy keen. Shiny happy people everywhere. And I feel like I ruined it. And my damn doctor took away my (as my friend calls it) phukitols. Now I would be taking it against doctor advice. And I would probaly want to sleep halfway through tomorrow, because it is so late now.I called my therapist thinking that if I could just talk about it. Say it outloud. That some one would eventually hear it, maybe I would feel better. But I actually got sick to my stomach as I was talking. I rushed through what I was saying so I could hang up and go be sick. I want to talk to some one. Again still 2 AM, well 2:45. I hear some one shoveling outside. I should go talk to him. That would be funny. Me in pajamas in the snow. Hey how's it going? Sleeping sucks. Can I help you shovel? I need harbinger to make fun of my quirky sense of humor. (I totally appreciate that he has stuff he is thinking about right now and do not mean that he should drop it to listen to me. But I still love you Harby.) Dani, come to my rescue! Thadius where are you?Oh to sleep. I took Rozerem you know. I am not sure that sh*t works for me anymore. I mean I am taking some STRONG pain medicine and yet here I am, not sleeping. So it just makes me wonder if an average sleeping pill is going to help.Gonna try some other internet stuff to maybe relax my mind. Maybe I'll be back. Sorry that I swore a few times. I really don't do it often, but when I get terribly upset I tend to say the strangest things. SO I tried to make it look less offensive.