I was having an anxiety filled weekend, a sleepless weekend. I have some weird issues going on right now. I don't really feel able to explain at the moment. Maybe some time in the future. And as usual the pain has been weird. So life has gotten me thinking about the assault and this was the entry I made into my personal journal. I believe there are preconceived notions, promises that teenagers have, truly believe go along with the prom. I once heard a remark by a comedian who said, "my clothes came off faster than a prom dress after the dance." I really believe that most teens think there will be sex after the prom. I was totally naive to think that I could go to the prom with a friend and NOTHING would happen. I heard the talk going around school. Boys getting rooms for their dates after the dance. But I believed this boy, this FRIEND. I believed that he had no interest in me in that way because we had spent the whole school year as friends. I don't know when things changed in his mind, when I went from friend to prey. When I look back now, I feel it was planned all along. That somewhere, sometime I lead him to believe that I was ok with this. And somewhere in buying tickets, flowers and renting a tux, somewhere in all the laughter and pictures, he began to feel entitled. That I OWED him for the money spent. Or this was payment for making a guy go through all that. Or maybe guys just think that every girl wants that after the prom. I am sticking with entitlement. I spend a lot of time blaming myself. What did I say? What didn't I say? What did I do? Did I not say NO loud enough? Strong enough? Did I not fight as hard as I remember? Did I stop fighting too soon? I don't know, I can't imagine what was going on in his mind. I know what I was thinking. "GET AWAY!" Then it is just fear and screaming. Just NO NO NO. And pain like I had never known. In my body, in my heart, in my soul. And that was it. I broke. I feel broken and nothing has changed that for me. Nothing has fixed that, nothing to repair me. And there is so much pain, sadness, blame and shame. I hate myself because I am sure it was my fault. All the could haves, should haves and would haves have not helped me. So that is where my brain is at. Any thoughts?