I am just screwed. I fall asleep for a little bit, and I have a nightmare. I was dreaming that I was having trouble sleeping because I wasn't feeling well. Damn migraines, imagine that. The phone kept ringing in my dream. I would answer it and it was my ex-boyfriend. You know, the abusive one. He kept asking me to come over and I kept saying that I was really tired and I didn't think I could. He would act all sweet and understanding, then he would end the conversation real serious and say so I expect to see you in a couple hours. I would hang up and try to get up and get dressed and I would end up just crawling back under the covers. He would call again saying the same thing. He was getting madder and madder. Finally he showed up in my bedroom and started pulling me out of bed and hitting me saying that I was expected to come when he calls and he would show me what it was to not feel well.That was exactly what he was like. It was so frighteningly real that when I woke up I had to look around and see that I was in the bed my husband and I sleep in in PA and not in my teenage bed in MA. Once confirmed, I felt much better. Now I am waiting awhile to try to sleep again as I am sooooo tired. I don't want another nightmare. It would figure that when I finally fall asleep, I have a nightmare. Not to mention that I was just about to fall asleep earlier and my husband kissed me goodbye and it woke me up. Damn kiss. Also, I took a pregnancy test this morning for all the reasons a woman takes one and nothing happened. Nothing. I mean if you have ever taken one you know that there is a little test window where a line is supposed to appear to show that you have done the test right and then another line appears if you are pregnant. Let me just say that all you have to do is pee on a stick. How do you mess that up? Well, somehow I did. Nothing happened!!! I guess that is what I get for buying the store brand instread of the name brand. I mean it was half the price and the only way I could get just one. I mean I have been trying to get pregnant for many years and we just kind of gave up after the fertility drugs didn't work. But I have recently lost a lot of weight and everything is working a little better and my gyn thinks it might be possible, so I gave in and bought the thing. But I don't want extra tests lying around to remind me how impossible things are. (And most of my gyn problems stem from the rape, so reminding me that pregnancy may be impossible because of it is like reminding me that I was raped. I don't need that. I have daily pain that reminds me and nightmares and flashbacks and triggers and never mind what happens to me when sex goes wrong.)Anyway, that is my sad and sordid tale for the day. And I don't even feel like I can share any of this with my husband. 1) he thinks it is weird that I still dream about my ex-boyfriend, I think it makes him think I am still in love with him AND I AM NOT!!! Nevermind what he thinks when I have a nightmare about my rapist. And 2) I don't want to tell him about the pregnanct test because originally we wanted a family but now he seems scared that it might happen because he thinks I am too sick to handle a pregnancy and then a baby and because I am not working so we only have one true income coming in. (I am on disability which only pay 1/4 of what you are actually worth if you were actually working.)So I feel very alone. Is there anybody out there?