Well, it has certainly been a while since I have written. My hands are shaking so much it is difficult to type. We went to my husband's class reunion and he sort of stuck to his promise of going back to the hotel or leaving me there alone if I said I need time to rest because I am in pain. He kind of pushed it like a child. Oh, c'mon, you really want to go to the bar with us. Not really since I was in pain and had to take a narcotic pain pill and really couldn't drink like the rest of you. It was hard while we were at the picnic because is was really sunny out. I have fibromyalgia and Lupus and being in the sun is like taking a vampire outside. It just hurts and you want to die. It makes me really tired all my joints start hurting and I break out in funky rashes. My legs look spotted.But now we are home.I was really angry with my gyn because he canceled my appointment for Monday. It was for my annual exam. As a rape victim this is the one appointment of the year that takes me days to ready myself for. Knowing the places he has to touch and look. I have anxiety with a lot of other appointments, but this is different. There is so much more involved. All your clothes come off except your socks and you get to put on that thin gown. It is making me anxious just thinking about it. But that is what I have to do to get through it. Before the appointment I go through it 100 times in my mind. I thought they were just going to reschedule it for a few days. NO! I have to wait almost another month. I can't take it.Next day, saw the pain doctor. He was excited that he was able to get the top of my leg numb because that meant we were close to where we want to be. I would have liked it a little closer and to last a little longer. He stopped that med that was making me sleep all the time but it is like still in my body so I still get sleepy a lot.Then I said something about my endometriosis pain is also in my back, which is a common symptom. He got even more excited. He did an xray and said he could see something small, but he wanted an MRI. Remember how I described the annual exam, I feel the same way about MRIs. I can't stand being in that small space unable to move for what feels like forever. Time varies on what they are doing. Mine was 25 minutes. So for 25 minutes I felt like I was being raped in the back seat of a small car which is what happened to me to cause all this PTSD. He gave me 2 Valium to take before the test. They did nothing. I just cried. When they pulled me out, I left as soon as I could. I had to wait for the films, I just wanted to run screaming from the building. I felt like such a baby. And I had to be strong because my husband thinks the whole thing is foolish. To him, anything to do with the rape, is foolish. Today is my first appointment with my therapist since she has been back from vacation. I feel like I have so many things to say and an hour is just not going to be enough to catch up on two missed hours. I should have made notes yesterday.Let you know how it goes.